Welcome back to @midnight.
I am, um...
I'm contractually forcedto welcome back
this week's sponsor,Donald Trump.
Come here. Come here.
(groaning, shouting, whooping)
Get out of here.Get out of here.
My beautiful daughter Ivanka,everyone.
Family-- you know this.
Family is very, very,very, very,
very, very, very important.
Which is why we're going to playa me-centric version
of Family Feud; everybody loves that.
-HARDWICK: Why are we, why arewe doing this? -Because...
Because instead ofaverage Americans,
which I've never beennuts about.
They're really...they're disgust...
You people will have to guess
how me, Donald Trump,would answer.
So if you guess right,it's 40,000 points.
I don't even know if the thingscan handle that many...
I'm gonna cut a check from oneof my charitable organizations.
-Okay, fine, fine. -And points,points aren't currency.
-Points aren't currency.-Fine, fine.
Okay, first up, first up: Thingsyou might find in the kitchen.
Things you might findin the kitchen.
For Trumply Feud.
Um, I'm going to say things youmight find in the kitchen?
-TRUMP: Good answer.-HARDWICK: All right.
That's an incorrect answer.
-It's not on the board.-CASH: Ugh.
One people surveyed.
Top, top three answerson the board.
Uh, chalupas, but that is whathe calls his maids.
HARDWICK:All right, all right.
Is that a correct answer?
That's not a correct answer.
-That's not correct.-(buzzer)
Paul F. Tompkins.
Uh, 30 crates of unsold steaks.
-HARDWICK: 30 crates ofunsold steaks. -(buzzer)
No, I'm sorry.No correct answers.
-Let's show the answers.-All right.
-Top answer.-Mason jars of bald eagle blood.
-Sure.-Every family has that.
And let's see the next one here.
Tang and other skin treatments.
-Sure. Yeah. Naturally.-(cheering and applause)
And then what's the final one?Let's see it.
Helpful foreigners who enjoycooking for whites.
-Okay.-And I've got a great guy.
-I got a great guy.-I don't want to know about it.
-This guy...-But that's like...
-I feel like that's similarto... -That was Janet's answer.
I feel like it's voting againstmy interests,
but since we're talkingto Trump,
um, I feel like Janet deservessome points for that.
All right, you know what?I'm going to override
and I'm gonna give Janet Varneypoints on that.
So, Janet... Janet has now
leapt into the leadwith 40,600 points.
It's so weird to get pointsI don't deserve.
You know what that feels like,Mr. Trump.
-I don't know any of that.-(cheers and applause)
I deserve everything.
-I deserve everything.-(cheering and applause)
-Please, are you kidding me?-HARDWICK: All right, next up.
Something you might sayto a waiter.
Something you might say toa waiter.
I'd-I'd like to order...
your kitchen staffout of the country.
-I'm sorry, that's nota correct answer. -(buzzer)
-Uh, Janet.-VARNEY: Uh...
Have you consideredfighting other poors
for the amusement of the rich?
-Uh, that is a correct answer,number two. -I love it.
Have you ever consideredfighting other poors
for the amusement of the rich?
I got you.I get you.
We're the same!We're the same!
Wait, wait, wait!Are we?!
TRUMP:We're the same.
-Paul F. Tompkins.-TOMPKINS: Uh...
-Janet, are you okay?-I don't know.
TRUMP:We're the same.
Janet's a little struck at themoment, by trump's comparison ofhimself to her.
by Trump's comparisonof himself to her.
I wear a long blond wig and tuckmy junkies
-and stand in frontof the mirror. -Okay.
And go, "I'm Janet Varney."
-I don't, uh...-(laughing)
HARDWICK (laughing):I don't think you...
Janet, I'm so sorry.
Uh, your life will never be thesame after today's episode.
There's a lot of therapy you'regoing to have to go through.
What are we talking about?
HARDWICK: Something, somethingTrump might say to a waiter.
-Something...-TOMPKINS: Oh, sure, um...
Send this one back,it also takes like semen.
-Disgusting.-I'm sorry, that's...
I feel like that'sa correct answer.
Let's see the next answerhere first.
All right,let's see the first answer.
The number one answer was:
Doesn't my daughterlook foxy tonight?
Isn't she unbelievable?
-All right, and the thirdanswer. -The next one.
Just want you to knowin advance,
you're not getting a tip.
No one gets a tip.
The only person who get a tipis my daughter Ivanka.
HARDWICK: That's not... wh..you shouldn't say those things.
Your face is just gonna part
and an alien's gonnashoot out of your skull.
-Please. Are you kidding me?-Wouldn't that be comforting?
That would be comforting.
What a relief!
-HARDWICK: It would be oddlycomforting. -What a relief.
I would deportthat alien immediately.
HARDWICK:All right, fine, fine, fine.
An activity you dowith the family.
An activity you do...Oh, no.
Uh, which-- which family?
I have three.
Is "which family, I have three?"
-That's not a correct answer.-(buzzer)
No, uh, Janet.
Watch them undressthrough the eyes of a painting.
Uh, that is a correct answer!
(cheers and applause)
It's too weird,it's too weird.
It's so weird.
-No. No.-Face... off.
BOTH: Face... off.
Janet was havinga very intense mirror moment.
Paul F. Tompkins-- an activityyou do with the family?
Uh, watch themlisten to you talk.
Uh, watch them listen to youtalk? No, not a correct answer.
Let's get the frigging...
-Let's get this going. -Gladwe threw it over to me. -Okay.
-The number-one answer...-Bow hunt the last rhino.
And the next one...
Go through a catalogueof potential new mommies!