Extended - Rapid Refresh - I Can't Masturbate to This - Uncensored

Extended - Thursday, March 12, 2015 - Uncensored 03/12/2015 Views: 599

Beth Behrs, Jonathan Kite and Whitney Cummings guess how a free-spirited couple met and then learn about a woman who makes yogurt with her own vaginal bacteria. (4:39)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

SO, YOU KNOW THOSE INTERNETVIDEOS WHERE PEOPLE ARE BROUGHT

IN FRONT OF A MONOCHROMATICBACKGROUND AND TOLD TO REVEAL

SOMETHING EMBARRASSING ABOUTTHEMSELVES?

WELL, THE FOLKS AT ELITE DAILYHAVE MADE A VIDEO OF COUPLES

REVEALING...

(WHISPERING): HOW MANY SEXUALPARTNERS THEY'VE HAD.

WHICH IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)AND THE RESULTS MAY SHOCK YOU.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

UH, THE ANSWERS WERE VERYOBVIOUS.

TAKE THIS COUPLE, FOR INSTANCE,RIGHT HERE.

>> I WOULD GUESS IT'S SOMEWHEREAROUND 100, BUT I DON'T REALLY

KNOW.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)>> I WOULD SAY I'M ABOUT, LIKE,

75.

I DON'T KNOW.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)(LAUGHTER)

>> REALLY?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, FIRST OF ALL,AAH!

>> WHAT?!

>> HARDWICK: THESE PEOPLE LOOKLIKE THE PEOPLE, LIKE, WHEN

YOU'RE YOUNGER AND YOU WATCH"REAL SEX" ON HBO, AND YOU'RE,

LIKE, "I'M GONNA SEE REAL PEOPLEDOING IT," AND YOU'RE, LIKE,

"THAT'S WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?!">> AAH!

I CAN'T... I CAN'TMASTURBATE TO THIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> I FEEL LIKE NOW I KNOW WHY IT

WAS SO WET AT WOODSTOCK '94.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TO

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NOW,SECONDLY, COMEDIANS, WHERE DID

MRS. CELERY AND THE DONUT DOGFIRST GET IT ON?

(LAUGHTER)WHITNEY?

>> UH, I THINK THEY MET AT THE,UH, PORTA-POTTY OF THE TURQUOISE

EXPO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> NOT... NOT JUST TURQUOISEJEWELRY, JUST TURQUOISE...

EVERYTHING.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, SO YOUTHINK THAT'S WHERE XANADU AND

PIERRE HERE MET?

(LAUGHTER)>> I DO.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, JONATHAN?

>> IN THE DALAI LAMA'S FUCKSHACK.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BETH.

>> IN THE BUTT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, YES. POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

THIS WEEK, ONE BRAVE, TWISTEDSOUL DECIDED TO MAKE YOGURT OUT

OF BACTERIA FROM THE DEPTHS OFHER OWN VAGINA, UH...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)...AND TONIGHT EVERYONE IN THE

AUDIENCE IS GETTING A FREETASTE!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> YOU GET A YOGURT AND YOU GET

A YOGURT AND YOU GET A YOGURT.

THAT'S HOW OPRAH DOES IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S HOWOPRAH DOES IT.

O-OPRAH WOULD TOTALLY FIREOFF...

>> YOU GET A... YOU GET A...

>> HARDWICK: COME AND GET SOME!

AH... AND REMEMBER YOUR SPIRIT!

>> I WOULD NOT EVEN NEED TO USEMY HANDS-- I'D BE, LIKE, "YOU

GET A YOGURT AND YOU GET AYOGURT AND YOU GET A YOGURT!"

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: WELL PLAYED,

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

(LAUGHTER)>> WELL PLAYED, CHRIS HARD-WICK.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)IT'S TOO PERFECT.

UH, THE PROBLEM WITH THIS ISTHAT IT ONLY COMES IN VERY SMALL

BATCHES-- SHE JUST HAS THE ONEVAGINA FOR NOW.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

>> HARDWICK: I KNOW.

THE WOMAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THISEXPERIMENT SAID SHE'D BEEN

SURPRISED BY THE NEGATIVEBACKLASH ONLINE, WHICH IS GOING

TO HURT HER SALES.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH A SLOGAN FOR

THIS VERY SPECIAL VAG-OGURT.

UH, BETH.

>> UH, PREFERRED BY ONE OUT OFONE JOHN STAMOSES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, JONATHAN.

>> INTRODUCING NEW BLOODPUDDING, ONLY AVAILABLE ONCE A

MONTH.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: WHAT IS WRONG WITHYOU PEOPLE!

>> THIS IS HER!

>> HARDWICK: I KNOW-- THE RULESDICTATE I HAVE TO GIVE YOU

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)WHITNEY.

>> THAT'S NOT FRUIT ON THEBOTTOM.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THERE'S A GUY IN THE AUDIENCEWHO JUST WENT...

(LAUGHTER)RIGHT THERE. I SAW YOU.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT!

YEAH!

>> WAIT. WHAT IS IT ON THEBOTTOM?

>> NOT FRUIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT, TONY'S GOTSOMETHING-- A NEW DEPOSIT FOR

THE SPANK BANK TONIGHT!

I JUST ASSUMED THAT GUY'S NAMEIS TONY.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?

>> TREVOR.

>> HARDWICK: AH, CLOSE.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S TREVOR.

TREVOR.

>> BUT THAT'S NOT HIS NAME ATALL!

>> HARDWICK: OF COURSE IT IS.

>> NO WAY.

>> HARDWICK: OF COURSE IT IS.

HE SAID THAT TOO FAST.

>> UH... TREVOR.

>> HARDWICK: TREVOR.

>> YEAH!