It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.
(cheers and applause)
I'm super excited
'cause now you goddamnmillennials'll get to see
what dad's all jacked up about.
The X-Files finally returnsto television this Sunday.
-(applause and cheering)-Nice!
This show was so good,it inspired a whole generation
to believe bat (bleep)conspiracy theories.
You can thank Agent Fox Mulderfor every Twitter user
who broke a massive 9/11cover-up wide open, but
can't figure out how to changetheir picture from an egg.
-FERO: "Ask Obama?" -We're gonnacome up with some more
X-Files worthyconspiracy theories
with tonight's hashtag:#5WordConspiracies.
Examples might be MichaelJackson faked the moon walk.
Or Donald Trump is actuallyMexican. Hmm? Think about it.
-OSWALT: Hmm. -I'm gonna put 60seconds on the clock and begin.
The Revenant bearis Bill Cosby.
Oh. And he's just wearinga big ol' Cosby sweater.
-It's a big ol' costume.-Yeah. Uh, Shelby.
Uh, 9/11 was inside Steve Jobs.
-All right, points.-Oh.
Jews control weatherand traffic.
All right, points.
I'm Hitler.Shh, don't tell.
All right, points.Patton.
Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews, Beyoncé.
They faked the Knots Landing.
You know what,no points, Blaine.
-Wow. -No, no. No pointsfor a Knots Landing reference.
-Patton.-A five-word sentence
can actually containmore than five words
and in some cases 17.
All right.That is very well done, points.
JFK was killed by Chipotle.