Realty Bites - It's a Fixer-Upper

Tuesday, March 15, 2016 03/15/2016 Views: 39

Drew Tarver, Kulap Vilaysack and Andy Richter make up ad taglines for realtors with off-putting headshots. (3:44)

It's time to play Realty Bites!Realty Bites!

(cheering)

Realty isa very competitive business,

and nothing gives you the edgeas a salesperson

quite like a snazzy headshotwhere you...

you look like you mayor may not be having a stroke.

So, comedians,I'm going to show you

a bad real estate agentheadshot, and for 250 points,

I want you to tell mewhat the slogan would be

on their bus stop bench ad.

First up, this chill bro.

What...

Andy.

I'll let you put your dickon any furniture you want.

-(laughter)-Points. Points.

-(applause)-Yeah.

-Kulap. -(Southern accent):Mustache rides,

-whether you want 'em or not.-All right. Points.

HARDWICK (Southern accent):This, uh...

Every... every roomhe shows, like,

"This would be a charming dento have a mustache ride in."

-Well, no? All right.-No? Okay, well, this garage

has plenty of roomfor mustache rides!

(laughter)

Drew.

Not a pedophile since 1998.

(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

HARDWICK:Aw, that's nice.

Next up, how aboutthe infamous Cummings Team!

-There they are! Here comethe... -(laughter, groans)

What are you upset about?You're upset about something.

What are you so upset about?

Something really upset you guysin that picture.

I think just their image.

(laughter)

Kulap.

(like a little girl):My daddy cuts my hair!

(laughter)

Andy.

That's right,the Cummings Team--

and it's not funny!

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

Next up, this bewitching lady.

(audience groans)

-VILAYSACK: Oh, man.-That is Claudia Dupre,

and you will obey!

Drew.

(like the Wicked Witch):I'll sell your house,

and your little dog, too!(cackling laughter)

-Points. Points.-(applause, whooping)

So you're gonna... you'regonna sell my dog as well?

(like the Wicked Witch):Yes, uh, if somebody wants him.

-Or I'll take him. I'll eat him.-Okay, okay...

-Kulap. -I'll find you a houseyou can die in.

-Points.-(laughter)

Look at me.

I sold this house nine timesin the last three months.

Andy Richter.

I think you may be the daughterthey stole from me.

Points.

S...

You've got my eyes.

I have your father's eyesright here.

(babbles)

Next up, here's curious Christi.

Christi's a little curious.

Drew.

Nice dick.

I mean...

Thank you for noticing.I appreciate that.

-It's a fixer upper.-Yeah.

Andy.Andy.

Um, even if you're onlya tiny bit black

I'll be able to tell.

Points.

Also, nice dick.