Realty Bites - It's a Fixer-Upper

Tuesday, March 15, 2016 03/15/2016 Views: 64

Drew Tarver, Kulap Vilaysack and Andy Richter make up ad taglines for realtors with off-putting headshots. (3:44)

It's time to play Realty Bites!Realty Bites!


Realty isa very competitive business,

and nothing gives you the edgeas a salesperson

quite like a snazzy headshotwhere you...

you look like you mayor may not be having a stroke.

So, comedians,I'm going to show you

a bad real estate agentheadshot, and for 250 points,

I want you to tell mewhat the slogan would be

on their bus stop bench ad.

First up, this chill bro.



I'll let you put your dickon any furniture you want.

-(laughter)-Points. Points.


-Kulap. -(Southern accent):Mustache rides,

-whether you want 'em or not.-All right. Points.

HARDWICK (Southern accent):This, uh...

Every... every roomhe shows, like,

"This would be a charming dento have a mustache ride in."

-Well, no? All right.-No? Okay, well, this garage

has plenty of roomfor mustache rides!



Not a pedophile since 1998.


(whooping, applause)

HARDWICK:Aw, that's nice.

Next up, how aboutthe infamous Cummings Team!

-There they are! Here comethe... -(laughter, groans)

What are you upset about?You're upset about something.

What are you so upset about?

Something really upset you guysin that picture.

I think just their image.



(like a little girl):My daddy cuts my hair!



That's right,the Cummings Team--

and it's not funny!

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

Next up, this bewitching lady.

(audience groans)

-VILAYSACK: Oh, man.-That is Claudia Dupre,

and you will obey!


(like the Wicked Witch):I'll sell your house,

and your little dog, too!(cackling laughter)

-Points. Points.-(applause, whooping)

So you're gonna... you'regonna sell my dog as well?

(like the Wicked Witch):Yes, uh, if somebody wants him.

-Or I'll take him. I'll eat him.-Okay, okay...

-Kulap. -I'll find you a houseyou can die in.


Look at me.

I sold this house nine timesin the last three months.

Andy Richter.

I think you may be the daughterthey stole from me.



You've got my eyes.

I have your father's eyesright here.


Next up, here's curious Christi.

Christi's a little curious.


Nice dick.

I mean...

Thank you for noticing.I appreciate that.

-It's a fixer upper.-Yeah.


Um, even if you're onlya tiny bit black

I'll be able to tell.


Also, nice dick.