You News, You Lose - It's Like a Shark Guitar

Tuesday, June 30, 2015 06/30/2015 Views: 120

After examining baffling cable news headlines, Jonah Ray, Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani guess what silly stories accompany them. (3:18)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "YOU NEWS, YOULOSE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WITH A CONSTANTLY UPDATING

STREAM OF DIGITAL INFORMATION ATOUR FINGERTIPS AT ALL TIMES, IS

TV NEWS EVEN NECESSARY ANYMORE?

WELL, I SAY A RESOUNDING YES!

NOT BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST WAY TOGET INFORMATION, BUT BECAUSE

IT'S FUN TO LAUGH AT THEIR DUMB,OUT-OF-CONTEXT CAPTIONS

SOMETIMES.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A BAFFLINGNEWS HEADLINE AND FOR 250

POINTS-- AND PLEASE DO YOUR BESTANCHOR VOICE WHEN YOU DO THIS--

PLEASE GIVE ME A LINE FROM THATSTORY.

FIRST ONE, "MAN WRESTLES SHARK,LOSES JOB."

>> THE MAN SAID, "THANKS, OBAMA,THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GOING

SOFT ON SHARK IMMIGRATION."

>> CHRIS: POINTS. SHARK HEROFIRED FOR TRAVELING ON SICK

LEAVE.>>SHARK HERO!

SHARK HERO!

♪ HE'S THE HERO OF THE SHARKS ♪IS HE A HERO FOR THE SHARK--

>> I WAS PICTURING GUITAR HERO,LIKE HE'S PLAYING A SHARK.

>> IT'S LIKE A SHARK GUITAR.

>> SHARK GUITAR.

>> OH,.

>> CHRIS: KUMAIL.

>> IN RUSSIA, SHARK WRESTLE JOB,LOSE MAN.

>> CHRIS: ANOTHER POINT.

>> I GET IT.

I GET IT.

( APPLAUSE )"SANTA IMPERSONATOR ASKED TO

TONE IT DOWN."

KUMAIL.

>> OH, WHAT A CREEPY MAN.SANTA IMPERSONATOR

ASKED TO TONE IT DOWN--DURING ARECENT VISIT TO MECCA.

( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT: THIS WOMAN IS "AWAITINGPRESIDENT

OBAMA'S ARRIVAL IN ME!"( APPLAUSE )

JONAH.

>> SOURCES SAY HIS FINGERS WILLARRIVE FIRST.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> TO BE CLEAR, M.E. IS THEABBREVIATION FOR THE STATE OF

MAINE, WHICH IS WHERE THEPRESIDENT WILL ( BLEEP ) ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> PRESIDENT INSISTS YOU CAN'TGET PREGNANT.

WE'RE IN A HOT TUB!

>> THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, "HAVE AGREAT DAY!"

EMILY.

>> CBS WANTS TO REMIND YOU THEWORLD IS A SQUALID PIT SO BURN

IT. BURN IT ALL TO THE ( BLEEP )GROUND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> JUST A REMINDER, I STILL HATEMY EX-WIFE.

( APPLAUSE )>> YOU TOOK EVERYTHING!

YOU TOOK EVERYTHING!

LAST ONE:"WHITE HOUSE: OBAMA CAN'T GO

BACK IN TIME."

>> UNLESS HE CAN GET THEMOTORCADE UP TO 88 MILES PER

HOUR.