This Is Not Happening - That's His Grand Slam

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 07/30/2014 Views: 778

An xoJane column features shocking confessions, and Matt Braunger, Hasan Minhaj and Emily Heller guess what happened to the unlucky storytellers. (2:19)

"THIS IS NOT HAPPENING."

XOJANE.com HAS A REGULAR COLUMNCALLED, "IT HAPPENED TO ME,"

WHICH IS USUALLY FOLLOWED BY ATITLE SO HORRIFYING, YOU CAN'T

IMAGINE ANYONE ACTUALLY WANTINGANYONE TO KNOW IT HAPPENED TO

THEM.

I'M GOING TO READ YOU PART OF ATITLE, AND I WANT YOU TO FILL IN

WHAT YOU THINK THE SECONDHALF IS. OKAY.

FIRST ONE-- IT HAPPENED TO ME.

I WENT TO REHAB BLANK. HASAN.

>> I WENT TO REHAB AND NOW IHAVE TO GIVE ANDI DICKS RIDE

HOMES FOREVER.

POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> I WENT TO REHAB TO MYADDICTION FOR ( BLEEP ) OMELETS.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN PUBLIC ORIT'S NO FUN.

WHEN HE ( BLEEP ) IN THE OMELET,THAT'S HIS GRAND SLAM.

>> 100 POINTS FOR HASAN.

>> IT'S HARD NOT TO PICTURE YOUDOING THAT DRESSED LIKE THAT.

>> I'M USING THIS CREEPYMUSTACHE AS MUCH AS I CAN.

>> GOING ON AN OMELET RODEO.

EIGHT SECONDS.

GOT YOUR OMELET?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I WANT TO REHAB BLANK IS THECORRECT ANSWER.

AT A SCIENTOLOGY RECRUITMENTCENTER.

NOT AS FUNNY AS OMELET ( BLEEP )AT ALL.

NEXT ONE: I LET AN INTERNET GUYSPANK ME FOR BLANK.

YES, EMILY.

>> I LET AN INTERNET GUY SPANKME FOR CALLING "STAR WARS"

BORING THE LAST TIME I WAS ON"@MIDNIGHT."

>> YOU DID CALL "STAR WARS"BORING AND YOU WENT HOME AND LET

SOMEONE SPANK YOU FOR THAT?

>> YEAH.

I TOOK MY PENANCE.

THIS IS YOUR SHOW.

>> POINTS!

>> I APPRECIATE THE FOLLOW-UP.

>> YEAH.>> LET'S FIND OUT.

I LET AN INTERNET GUY SPANKED MEFOR A COACH WRISTLET.

WELL, YOU GOT RIPPED OFF. ALLRIGHT, LAST ONE.

>> IT HAPPENED TO ME, MY BUTTEXPLODED WITH PUS AND ALL I GOT

WAS--

>> PLEASE BE THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.HASAN.

>> THREE LIKES. (BLEEP)FACEBOOK.

>> POINTS.

LET'S FIND OUT.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS ACHEESEBURGER.

>> HOW!

>> WHAT!

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