Extended - Rapid Refresh - Man vs. Log & Poking Grandma

Extended - Thursday, February 5, 2015 - Uncensored 02/05/2015 Views: 705

Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi and Mike Phirman learn about an unusual strongman record, ponder how to creep people out on Facebook and come up with redneck accomplishments. (5:51)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HAFTHOR BJORNSSON THOR IS THE

ACTOR WHO PLAYED THEHEAD-CRUSHING VILLAIN THE

MOUNTAIN ON "GAME OF THRONES."

WE DIDN'T HAVE A STOCK PHOTO OFHIM, SO HERE'S AN IKEA BOOKCASE

WITH A SIMILAR-SOUNDING NAME.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY, NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.

>> WE JUST...

>> HARDWICK: I...

HE RECENTLY BROKE ATHOUSAND-YEAR-OLD VIKING RECORD

WHEN HE CARRIED A 1,400-POUNDLOG FIVE STEPS.

NOW I WANT YOU TO GET READY.

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITINGFOOTAGE OF A MAN WALKING WITH A

LOG THAT YOU'LL SEE ALL DAY.

(LAUGHTER)TAKE A LOOK.

(PEOPLE CHEERING AND YELLING)(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)ALL RIGHT, SECOND MOST EXCITING.

COMEDIANS, BASED ON THISFOOTAGE, WHAT RECORD WILL THE

MOUNTAIN BREAK NEXT? JEMAINE.

>> I THINK HE'LL GET MOSTTRANSPARENT COMPENSATION FOR

HAVING A VERY SMALL PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I THINK HE WILL.

POINTS. WHAT?

>> THIS WILL BE EDITED OUT OFTHE SHOW?

>> HARDWICK: NO, THAT'S GONNABE...

I'M-I'M...

WE'RE GONNA LEAVE THAT IN, ANDWE'RE GONNA LEAVE YOU ASKING IF

IT'S GONNA BE EDITED OUT IN, ASWELL.

>> JEMAINE'S FUNERAL'S GONNAHAVE ONE PALLBEARER DOING THIS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS FOR MIKEPHIRMAN.

UH, TAIKA.

>> I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN THE RESTOF THE FOOTAGE, AND WHAT HAPPENS

DIRECTLY AFTER THIS IS, UM, HETAKES OFF HIS BELT, AND EVERY

ORGAN IN HIS BODY JUST FALLS OUTOF HIS BOTTOM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> JUST...

>> HARDWICK: ALL THE WAY OUT.

>> SO I'D SAY, UM, BLOODIESTHERNIA.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, PERFECT.

POINTS FOR THAT. MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> LONG DISTANCE PROLAPSE?

IS THAT...?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I THINK SO.

POINTS.

YEAH, IT STARTS ALL THE WAY ATTHE BACK, AND ALL THE WAY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, MOVING ON.

GUYS, FACEBOOK ISN'T JUST ANENDLESS SEA OF BABY PHOTOS AND

PRIVACY HOAXES, IT'S ALSO APLAYGROUND FOR CREEPS.

MOTO RIDER ASHLEY FEINBERGPOSTED "THE CREEPIEST THINGS YOU

CAN DO ON FACEBOOK" WITHCREEP-FUL SUGGESTIONS LIKE--

TAG YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE'SENGAGEMENT PHOTO.

(LAUGHTER)IT SAYS... THERE'S ASHLEY, BUT

THAT'S BRIANNA'S ENGAGEMENTPHOTO!

BRIANNA WAS PISSED!

(LAUGHTER)BRIANNA WAS SO MAD SHE COULDN'T

EVEN, AFTER THIS.

UH, THE OTHER THING YOU CAN DOIS POKE SOMEONE ELSE'S GRANDMA,

WHICH IS WEIRD, UNLESS YOU LIKEHAVING THE WORDS "GRANDMA" AND

"POKE" TOGETHER IN A SENTENCE.

NOW, THESE ARE FINE FOR REGULARCIVILIANS, BUT YOU GUYS ARE ALL

PROFESSIONAL COMEDIANS, ANDTHEREFORE ABSOLUTE SUPER CREEPS

BY DEFINITION, SO FOR POINTS,WHAT'S THE CREEPIEST THING YOU

CAN DO ON FACEBOOK, JEMAINE?

>> WELL, I'VE GONE FOR A GROSSANGLE ON THIS.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?!

>> YEAH. UH... I THOUGHT MAYBE,UM, SET UP AN ALBUM CALLED "ANUS

PICS."

(LAUGHTER)AND ANOTHER ONE CALLED "OLD ANUS

PICS."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> AND BY THAT, I MEAN ELDERLY.

>> HARDWICK: ELDERLY ANUS PICS,YEAH, YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)OR WHEN YOU'RE TIRED OF POKING

YOUR GRANDMA, THEY JUST LET YOUGO...

POINTS. UH, TAIKA.

>> UM... WELL, I THINK WHAT...

YEAH. I'D, UM...

SHH!

(LAUGHTER)GOD, I'M TRYING TO TALK.

UM... I WOULD FRIEND-REQUEST ALLTHE SARAH CONNORS...

(LAUGHTER)UM...

AND...

ASK THEM TO MEET IN ANIGHTCLUB.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

PERFECT. POINTS.

DEFINITELY.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: JOHN CONNOR, YOUR

BEST FRIEND IS YOUR DAD.

UH, MIKE PHIRMAN.

>> I THINK I'D GO SIMPLE ANDJUST, UH, CHANGE MY STATUS TO

"SNIFFING BIKE SEATS AT THE Y."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH, FOR SURE, THAT WOULD DOIT. YEAH.

>> PEDESTRIAN.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: MOVE OVER, TOM

BRADY. ARKANSAS ANNOUNCED THEIROWN MVP ON REDDIT, AND IT'S THIS

BIRTHDAY GIRL WHO'S BROKEN THESTATE'S RECORD FOR: SEVEN

CONSECUTIVE YEARS OF NOT GETTINGKNOCKED UP.

THIS IS A... CAKE FOR HER 20THBIRTHDAY, WHICH VERY PROUDLY

PROCLAIMS: "I BEAT TEENPREGNANCY!"

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)GOOD JOB. GOOD JOB.

THIS IS AN AMAZING REDNECKACCOMPLISHMENT, AND... WORD IS,

THE STATE LEGISLATURE HASNOMINATED HER FOR THE

CONGRESSIONAL SCRAP METAL OFHONOR. UH...

(LAUGHTER)OFFICIALS ALSO COMMENDED HER

BOYFRIEND, BODINE EARWIG OFDRINKWHISTLE CANYON, WHOM SHE

BLUE BALLS IN THE BREAK ROOM ATTHE JIFFY LUBE.

HE'S BEEN NOMINATED FOR THEPURPLE HARD-ON.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE MEANOTHER NOTEWORTHY REDNECK

ACCOMPLISHMENT. UH, JEMAINE?

>> THROUGH STRATEGICINBREEDING...

(LAUGHTER)...BECOME YOUR OWN FATHER.

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)CHECKMATE.

UH, TAIKA.

>> UH, CHECKMATE.

OKAY, WE'RE OVER.

>> NO, THAT'S IT.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, MIKE, COMEBACK.

>> UM, OKAY, A GREATACCOMPLISHMENT WAS, UM, CREATING

A DATING APP CALLED "SISTR."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MM-HMM, POINTS.

I'M ALWAYS SWIPING RIGHT.

MICHAEL.

>> I WOULD SAY, UH, CELEBRATING20 YEARS OF SOBRIETY EXCEPT FOR

BEER AND SHOTS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH, DEFINITELY.