Pandamanium - I Said Red Velvet

Wednesday, July 29, 2015 07/29/2015 Views: 46

Who cares that Guinness recognized the world's oldest panda in captivity? Jimmy Pardo, Chris Distefano and Kurt Braunohler have some unremarkable records of their own. (2:05)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "PANDAMANIUM."

FOR MOST, THEIR 37th BIRTHDAYCELEBRATION IS NOTHING MORE THAN

A REHEATED SLICE OF PIZZA ANDTHE SOBERING REMINDER THAT THEY

ARE HALF IN THE GROUND ANDCOMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO

ADVERTISERS.

HOW WOULD I KNOW?

I'M 29.

BUT, HEY!

I HOSTED "SINGLED OUT"WHEN I WAS 9.

BUT THAT WASN'T THE CASE WHENJIA JIA THE PANDA TURNED 37

YEARS OLD THIS WEEK AND BLEW UPTHE INTERNET.

JIA JIA SPENT THE DAY EATINGMORE CAKE AND BAMBOO THAN YOU

CAN SHAKE A STICK OF BAMBOO AT.

SHE WAS AWARDED THE GUINNESSWORLD RECORD FOR OLDEST LIVING

PANDA IN CAPTIVITY.

I THINK PANDAS ARE ADORABLE.

I'M NOT A MONSTER OR A DENTIST.

SERIOUSLY, ( BLEEP ) THAT GUY.

SOMEONE SHOULD PUT THAT GUY'SHEAD ON A PIKE.

( APPLAUSE )>> LOOK HOW SAD THIS CAKE IS.

>> THIS, I DO--( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: I THINK THE PANDA ISLIKE, "I SAID RED VELVET."

BEING THE OLDEST LIVING PANDAIN CAPTIVITY IS UNIMPRESSIVE AS

FAR AS WORLD RECORDS GO.

COMEDIANS, YOUR CHALLENGE IS TOGIVE ME SOME LESS IMPRESSIVE

GUINNESS RECORDS. I'M GONNA PUT60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND

BEGIN. KURT.

MOST WILCO PLAYED IN A COFFEESHOP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. DISTEFANO.

>> MARKIEST MARK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> TENDEREST LOIN.

>> ANDY-EST DICK.

>> MOST UNCLES NAMED "RICK."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> BESTIEST BEST BUY.

>> CHRIS: OH, NO POINTS FROM THEAUDIENCE ON THAT ONE.

>> LEAST CONVINCING "THAT'S WHATSHE SAID."

>> SIDEST BOOB.