Twenty Six Teen Candidates - This Guy's Gonna Run for President

Monday, February 8, 2016 02/08/2016 Views: 198

After seeing photos of presidential hopefuls in their teen years, Nikki Glaser, Kevin Nealon and Jim Jefferies answer questions about them. (4:18)

It's time to playTwenty Six Teen Candidates.

Twenty Six Teen Candidates.

To help votersmake up their minds, uh,

before Tuesday's New Hampshire--N'ampshire-- primary,

both partiesheld debates last week,

the highlight of whichhappened before the Republicans

even took the stage.

Here we go.

WOMAN:Dr. Ben Carson.

MAN:Texas senator Ted Cruz.

HARDWICK: And he'll...He's just gonna hang there.

He just hangs there.

They already introd... They-theyalready introduced him.

It's shocking how longhe just stays there.

MAN: Former Florida governorJeb Bush.

They have...He has to walk around them.

That... that's nice--

a tra... a traffic jam

not caused by Chris Christie,for a change. Uh...

But if you think...but if you think

the presidential candidatesare awkward now,

just imagine whatthey were like as teenagers.

Luckily, the Independent Journal Review

posted a listof the candidates as teens.

So I'm gonna show youa teenage pic of a candidate,

and for 250 points I would likeyou to answer a question

about them. Very simple.First up, Chris Christie.

Chris Christie.There he is.

GLASER:Oh, dear.

Yeah, this guy'sgonna run for president.

-GLASER: Ugh.-Uh, what was his senior quote?

Jim Jefferies.

"I can't believeI ate the whole thing."

Points. Points.

Kevin Nealon.


bigger things to come.

Yeah, points.Points. Definitely.

Next one, uh, Hillary Clinton.Hillary Clinton.

There she is. All right.

-NEALON: All right.-GLASER: Hello.

What, uh, what clubis she in there?

-Nikki.-Pen 15 club?

Yeah, points.Kevin Nealon.

Uh, the Itty BittyTitty Committee.

Technically, this next candidatedropped out, but, uh,

the world reallyneeds to see this picture

of Rand Paul dissecting a cat.

Uh... there he is.

He's c... clearly gettinga boner about it, I guess.

How did... how didhe ask out his prom date?


By putting a cat back together.

Points.Kevin Nealon.

Well, uh, Chris, what he did washe just send her this picture

and said, "You're next."



Well, I don't knowhow he asked her,

-but then, uh,the cat said no. -Points.

See, I really think hesent her that and was just like,

"That's not the only pussyI'm gonna tear up at prom."

-Oh...-Oh! There you go.


Next up, how about Marco Rubio.

Marco Rubio.It's, uh, not that different.

Not that different.

What superlativedid Marco win? Nikki.

Best locker room blow jobs.

Yes, poi...

GLASER:You know it.

Jim... Points.Jim Jefferies.

Least Hispanic.

All right, points.Points.

Next up, I...

I think we have a tintypeof Bernie Sanders here.

This is the first Olympics.

Uh, what was...

what was the captionfor this photo

in the school newspaper, Nikki?

Running like a girl beforegirls were allowed to run.



Uh, this is the first picturetaken with a photograph machine.

Yes, p...


And finally, Ted Cruz was askedas a teen what he wanted to do

with his life, and he said this.

Take over the world.World domination.

You know, rule everything.

Rich, powerful.That sort of stuff.

Who would have guessed that thatwould be a thing he would say

as a teenager?

What did he sayin his graduation speech?


You won't have Ted Cruz,the president

of the Itty Bitty Titty Club,to kick around anymore.


Points. Jim Jefferies.

My fellow Canadians...