It's time to playTwenty Six Teen Candidates.
Twenty Six Teen Candidates.
To help votersmake up their minds, uh,
before Tuesday's New Hampshire--N'ampshire-- primary,
both partiesheld debates last week,
the highlight of whichhappened before the Republicans
even took the stage.
Here we go.
WOMAN:Dr. Ben Carson.
MAN:Texas senator Ted Cruz.
HARDWICK: And he'll...He's just gonna hang there.
He just hangs there.
They already introd... They-theyalready introduced him.
It's shocking how longhe just stays there.
MAN: Former Florida governorJeb Bush.
They have...He has to walk around them.
That... that's nice--
a tra... a traffic jam
not caused by Chris Christie,for a change. Uh...
But if you think...but if you think
the presidential candidatesare awkward now,
just imagine whatthey were like as teenagers.
Luckily, the Independent Journal Review
posted a listof the candidates as teens.
So I'm gonna show youa teenage pic of a candidate,
and for 250 points I would likeyou to answer a question
about them. Very simple.First up, Chris Christie.
Chris Christie.There he is.
Yeah, this guy'sgonna run for president.
-GLASER: Ugh.-Uh, what was his senior quote?
"I can't believeI ate the whole thing."
bigger things to come.
Yeah, points.Points. Definitely.
Next one, uh, Hillary Clinton.Hillary Clinton.
There she is. All right.
-NEALON: All right.-GLASER: Hello.
What, uh, what clubis she in there?
-Nikki.-Pen 15 club?
Yeah, points.Kevin Nealon.
Uh, the Itty BittyTitty Committee.
Technically, this next candidatedropped out, but, uh,
the world reallyneeds to see this picture
of Rand Paul dissecting a cat.
Uh... there he is.
He's c... clearly gettinga boner about it, I guess.
How did... how didhe ask out his prom date?
By putting a cat back together.
Well, uh, Chris, what he did washe just send her this picture
and said, "You're next."
Well, I don't knowhow he asked her,
-but then, uh,the cat said no. -Points.
See, I really think hesent her that and was just like,
"That's not the only pussyI'm gonna tear up at prom."
-Oh...-Oh! There you go.
Next up, how about Marco Rubio.
Marco Rubio.It's, uh, not that different.
Not that different.
What superlativedid Marco win? Nikki.
Best locker room blow jobs.
GLASER:You know it.
Jim... Points.Jim Jefferies.
All right, points.Points.
Next up, I...
I think we have a tintypeof Bernie Sanders here.
This is the first Olympics.
Uh, what was...
what was the captionfor this photo
in the school newspaper, Nikki?
Running like a girl beforegirls were allowed to run.
Uh, this is the first picturetaken with a photograph machine.
And finally, Ted Cruz was askedas a teen what he wanted to do
with his life, and he said this.
Take over the world.World domination.
You know, rule everything.
Rich, powerful.That sort of stuff.
Who would have guessed that thatwould be a thing he would say
as a teenager?
What did he sayin his graduation speech?
You won't have Ted Cruz,the president
of the Itty Bitty Titty Club,to kick around anymore.
Points. Jim Jefferies.
My fellow Canadians...