Mariah Carey's Nationally Televised Debacle

Tuesday, January 3, 2017 01/03/2017 Views: 539

Jonah Ray, Laurie Kilmartin and Doug Benson imagine other positive things that Ryan Seacrest might say about Mariah Carey's botched New Year's Eve performance. (2:38)

A LOT OF PEOPLE MAY NOTREMEMBER NEW YEAR'S EVE,

SINCE DISCOUNT CHAMPAGNEAND 2016 RAGE DON'T MIX,

BUT STUFF HAPPENED!

JENNY MCCARTHY WAS COLD!

PEOPLE IN TIMES SQUAREDIDN'T PEE FOR, LIKE, 12 HOURS.

AND MARIAH CAREY PERFORMED, OR,RATHER, WANDERED AROUND ONSTAGE

MUMBLING INSTEAD OF LIP-SYNCING

BECAUSE OF TECHNICAL ISSUESAND SO FORTH.

I'LL JUST GETTHROUGH THE MOMENT, OKAY?

♪ I FEEL...

♪ I FEEL... ♪

AND...

(RECORDING OF CAREYSINGING HIGH NOTES PLAYING)

I WANT A HOLIDAY, TOO.

♪ BABY, BABY, WE BELONGTOGETHER, BABY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU LEFTI LOST A PART OF ME... ♪

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)-STILL THE BEST!

YES.

AM I HIGH, OR WAS THAT FLAWLESS?

-(LAUGHTER)-HARDWICK: THAT WAS...

100 POINTS TO DOUG FOR THAT.

-(LAUGHTER)-NO ONE HAS

EVER BEEN AS DEDICATED TO A JOBAS THOSE BACKUP DANCERS.

-YEAH.-(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR 'EMWITH THE FEATHERS GOING,

-"KEEP IT TOGETHER, KEVIN."-YEAH.

"THIS IS WHY YOU WENTTO JUILLIARD!"

I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVEJUST CUT AWAY

AND-AND LETTHIS LAWN MOWER FILL IN.

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO HIGH...

-YES! YES! YES!-YES!

-OH, YEAH!-(APPLAUSE)

(IMITATES WOMAN): I'LL HAVEWHAT THE LAWN MOWER'S HAVING.

-(LAUGHTER)-UH, AFTER MARIAH'S LIVE,

NATIONALLY TELEVISED DEBACLE,

ME WITHOUT THE DICK JOKES,RYAN SEACREST,

HANDLED IT FLAWLESSLY.

NO MATTER WHAT MARIAH DOES,THE CROWD ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT.

YOU CAN'T GO WRONGWITH MS. CAREY,

AND THOSE HITS,THOSE SONGS EVERYBODY KNOWS...

AND HOW ABOUT THOSE LYRICSTHAT EVERYONE KNOWS,

-EXCEPT FOR MARIAH CAREY.-(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BUT...

THAT IS...

THAT IS SOME NEXT-LEVEL, EXPERT-LEVEL DAMAGE CONTROL ON THE FLY.

SO, COMEDIANS,HOW ELSE COULD RYAN SEACREST

HAVE GIVEN HER PERFORMANCEA POSITIVE SPIN?

-JONAH RAY.-YOU GOTTA HAND IT TO MARIAH.

SHE'S PROBABLY NOT A RACIST.

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS.

-DOUG. -SHE COULD SHOOT SOMEBODYIN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET,

AND EVERYONEWOULD STILL VOTE FOR HER.

-(LAUGHTER)-YEAH. POINTS. LAURIE.

SHE STILL HAS BOTH HER BOOBS.

-HARDWICK: YAY!-(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)