It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.
America's currently experiencinga massive heat wave,
'cause there'sno climate change,
which is why our editorsare working overtime
to cut the shots whereI'm reaching under my podium
-to peel my balls off my leg.-(laughter)
Scientists were referringto this phenomenon
as a "heat dome,"which is also what I call it
when my fiancée holds my headunder the blanket
while she pumpsher delicate farts underneath.
I was just...I was just picturing it.
Uh, in celebration of...
-It's never happened before,by the way. -Mmm?
I promise you that we don't fartin front of each other.
I've never...I actually have never...
-How many years in?-Two.
-Yeah. You'll get there.-(laughter)
In celebrationof this sweltering season,
tonight's hashtag is#HeatWaveIn4Words.
Examples might be:Too hot for cunnilingus;
and: Urine-filled public pool.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-Gillian.-Armpits smell like fajitas.
-Tami.-Sweat-stained Rorschach test.
Um... urine comes out hot.
(laughter, applause, whooping)
Uh, visible stink lineseverywhere.
Martha Reeves and Vandellas.
Balls stuck to face?
And not your own.
Uh, thinning of the elderly.
Eh, (bleep) them.
Uh, no sex till September.