And the Internet has beenteeming with fresh allegations
of tiesbetween the Russian government
and Ziploc bag full of pee,Donald Trump.
Rumors are swirling abouteverything from Russian servers
communicating with the TrumpOrganization to allegations
that the Kremlinis blackmailing him with
a secretly-recorded sex tapeof him in a Russian orgy.
-(audience groaning)-Yuck! Well, to be fair...
To be fair, he didn't knowit would be an orgy.
He was just having sexwith one Russian woman,
and then, there ended up beingfour other women inside of her,
-so it's not really...-(laughter)
-(cheers and applause)-Easy mistake.
Totally easy mistake.
But... butas deliciously scandalous
as these rumors sound,as of right now,
the FBI has foundno clear connection
between Trump and Russia.
The rumors have no hard proof,and it kind of feels like
a last-ditch effortto throw anything imaginable
at him to see what sticks.
Now, don't get me wrong.
He's stilla glowering hemorrhoid.
But all of this is distracting
from the stuff he actually doesand also the upcoming election.
So, comedians,since we're not verifying
our sources hereand throwing out wild things
that have no basis in anything,
what have you heard about DonaldTrump's connections to Russia?
-Janet. -Um, I heardthey have these totally crazy
slumber parties where Putin,like, braids his comb-over,
and then they, like, eat icecream right out of the carton!
-(screaming)-HARDWICK: Oh, my God,
they're the best of friends.Points. Points.
He loves Russia so muchthat once at The Comedy Store,
he offeredto Yack-off Smirnoff.
-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)
Very well played.
-VARNEY: Poor man.-Nate.
Putin gave him a tourof his submarine,
-and Trump said it's "huge."-HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.