So 2016 has been describedby meteorologists
as a "Class 5 (bleep) show,"so want
to take a breakfrom the bad news of the world,
courtesy of the adorable newsof the World Wide Web?
Well, let's do it.
Because honestly, you guys,uh, we have been...
we have been neck deepin crap news this entire year,
between terrorism and Zikaand the election virus and
losing people,pop culture icons that we love!
(applause and cheering)-What the (bleep), 2016?!
What the serious (bleep)?!
So, 2016 has definitely beenthe year of no chill.
So we decided that we were gonnagive you a mental break
from all that stuff tonight.
That is this entire show
is just an escape podfor you emotionally.
Let's start with my sweater.
I feel better surrounded byfuzzy wuzzy bears, all right?
-(applause and cheering)-It covers up by boo-boos.
I feel better!
I feel betterwhen I get stressed out
and I go,"What am I gonna do?"
And then Alf shows up and goes,"No problem, Chris."
-(applause and cheering)-"No problem!"
tonight, everything we're doingis cuter than a bug's ear,
and a bug's earis pretty (bleep) cute.
Welcome to I Can Haz Midnight.
-Here we are.-Yeah.
Or Cat Midnight if you want.
(applause and cheering)
One of the biggest storiesof the election was WikiLeaks,
the hacking organization ledby Julian Assange,
aka Men's rights Sephiroth,
who is possibly aided by Russia
and whose revelationsmay have swung the election.
But who gives a (bleep)about any of that anymore?!
His cat wears a tie! That's whatI care about. Look at that.
-Oh.-(applause and cheering)
Oh, my God!
He's stuckin that embassy all these years.
That's probably his best friendand probable lover.
-We don't know. Could be.-(audience groaning)
Who would you rather (bleep)--a human or a cat?
-"It's a tie." Uh...-Aah!
-Re...-(applause and cheering)
Ooh, he's so...
Ha! I kill me!
Comedians, Julian Assange
has spilled a lotof government secrets.
-What's a secret he might learnfrom his cat? -(cat meowing)
-Randy?-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Oh.
-Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.-Very nice.
Forgot to mention-- we changedthe buzzers today, so...
Uh, Garfield doesn'thate Mondays.
He hates Mormons.It was a typo.
-HARDWICK: Okay, points.-(laughter and groaning)
Uh, three dogs diedin Bone-ghazi.
-HARDWICK: All right. Points.-(groaning and laughter)
Cat ladies aren'tactually lonely.
They are secretly super hotintercourse machines.