It's National Selfie Day!
-(imitates retching)-(cheers and applause)
No. Don't. Aah.
I'm a (bleep) hypocrite.I do it all the time.
This is the high holidaythat honors a practice
of a taking a pictureto show your ex
you're doing way betterwithout her!
-Thank you very much, Sarah!-(applause and cheering)
Fun fact: the word selfieis actually portmanteau.
"Self" becauseit's a photo of yourself,
and "ie"because you're an egomaniac.
Clickbait Web sites everywhereare capitalizing
by sharing their tipsfor taking the perfect selfie,
such as holding the cameraabove eye level.
Ah, look at that! Look. Oh.
See how there
it hides any weird sagsor neck bags
or vampire bites or...?
Or the place where allyour blood was replaced
with darkness and oil.
Just to prove how much anglesmatter, this is...
I just want to show you.
This is the exact same phototaken at a lower angle.
So this is what can happen.It's the...
-(laughter and groaning)-So, you got it?
-It's all about lighting.-(applause and cheering)
It's really about lighting.
To be fair, I don't knowif this is a selfie,
or if someone just strappeda GoPro on a HoneyBaked Ham.
-I'm not 100% sure.-(laughter)
what is your favoriteNational Selfie Day tradition?
Um, I like to save my phonebattery for dick-pic Thursday.
-HARDWICK: Coming up. Coming up.-Two days.
(applause and cheering)
I like to throw acidin a hotter person's face.
-All right.-(applause and cheering)
Chris, I like to wonder whyall my friends blocked me.
-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Well, Steve...
Steve, you talk on the showlike you're not aware
you're wearing a microphone.
-(laughter) -AGEE:Is that what this thing is?
HARDWICK:That's what that thing is.
Hello. Is that what this is?
HARDWICK: No, that's...Now it's just way worse.
I like to wonder why allmy friends block me, Chris.