Stirring up "Star Wars" Speculation

May 31, 2017 - #SuperheroHistory 05/31/2017 Views: 185

Tawny Newsome, Tim Baltz and Paul F. Tompkins beat Disney to the punch by revealing the shocking truths to be found in the next addition to the "Star Wars" franchise. (1:32)

No one knows what the world willlook like at the end of 2017,

but one thing is certainis that Star Wars: The Last Jedi

comes out December 15,and I, for one, have ruined

multiple pairs of underpants

in anticipation.

I... Just a couple. Uh...

Well, the intergalactichype machine is already

fully operational,and a recently deployed

Japanese pamphlet has stirred upa Jawa's nest of speculation.

As reported by Star Wars News,the print ad reads,

"'The most shocking truthin Star Wars history

will soon be revealed."

Uh, wow, you mean we're finallygonna learn Watto's gender?

Reach in and grab my ovaries.

Comedians, let's try to beatDisney to the punch.

Tell me all the shocking truthswe are going to learn

in The Last Jedi...

in 60 seconds, and begin.Yes, Tawny.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's in a bandcalled Obi-Wan Direction.

All right, points. Tim.

All the droidspiss and (bleep).

All right, points. Paul.

Darth Vader's full nameis Dartholomew.

Yes, points. Tim.

Kylo Ren is boning Lena Dunham.

All right, points. Tawny.

Uh, the cantina bandhas actually been replaced

by The Mighty Mighty Bosstonesplaying that one song.

All right, points.

Really going after The Bosstonestonight, Tawny. Tim.

Han Solo comes back to life

as Harrison Fords' characterfrom Sabrina.

All right, points.

Points for that. Paul F.

The Death Star planswere actually a blueprint...

for friendship.

-(buzzer sounds)-Aw! Points.

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