Australia Is Dangerous (If You're a Dumbass)

March 23, 2017 - Zara Larsson 03/23/2017 Views: 78,275

Ronny Chieng breaks down the story of a young Australian man who jumped into crocodile-infested waters to impress a tourist. (4:34)

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You know, we spenda lot of time here

discussing American stupidity.

But we sometimes forgetthat stupidity knows no borders.

And why would it?It's stupid.

For more on this we're joined

by seniorinternational correspondent

-Ronny Chieng, everybody.-Thanks, Trevor.

-(cheering, applause)-Boom. Hey, everybody. Thanks.

Thanks, Trevor. I'm actuallykind of from Australia,

which you might not know becauseof my perfect American accent.

But it's true-- I liveddown under for many years.

And everyone thinksAustralians are just

a bunch of crazycrocodile wrestlers.

And let me just say this:

you don't know the half of it.

REPORTER: 18-year-old Lee de Paauw,

full of Aussie bravado and bragging to a girl he just met,

deliberately plunged into crocodile-infested waters.

REPORTER: The British tourist he'd been trying to impress

could only watch on in horror

as the crock attacked, snapping onto his arm.

I never heard a guyscream like that.

What pisses me offis idiots like this

are why people thinkAustralia is dangerous.

I lived there for ten yearsand nothing happened, okay?

Australia is perfectly safe.

As long as you stay out of therivers, 'cause of the jellyfish,

and the ocean,because of the sharks,

and the bush,because of redback spiders,

and the outback, 'cause...You know what,

basically just stayin the Sydney Opera House.

That's... that's whereit's totally safe.

Well, except for theopera snakes, obviously, but...

Um, my point is Australiacan be dangerous

if you're a dumbass.

But everywhere is dangerous ifyou're a dumbass.

A car wash can bedangerous if you're a dumbass.

How did he drown?

I don't know,he was being a dumbass.

And what would make someonedo something this dumb?

REPORTER: How many drinkshad you had by that point?

Oh.

Okay, as an Australian,let me translate that for you.

"Goon" is Australianfor "boxed wine,"

and "ten cups" is Australianfor "light refreshment."

I don't carehow much you drink--

that is not how you pick upwomen, all right?

This guy's at parties like,"Mate, trust me, mate,

"all you needis a (bleep) crocodile

and three pints of bloodand you're in!"

Ernest Hemingway wrote a bookabout it.

It's called Farewell to Arms, all right?

But the most annoying thingabout all this

is how he regrets nothing.

REPORTER: Despite being a North Queensland local

and growing up knowing the dangers of crocs in waterways,

the young man denies he's done anything wrong.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Haters gonna hate.

Mate, those aren't haters--

those are medical professionals!

Right? And they're not hating--

they're trying to keep youfrom bleeding to death!

And you won't believe this,

but it seems like your stupidplan may have worked.

REPORTER: As for the girl he risked his life for,

Lee says it paid off.

He's convinced her to go on a movie date.

What?

What are you doing?!

You cannot reward this behavior,all right?

Because now every dumbass,horny 18-year-old is gonna try

to slap an apex predatorbecause, apparently,

that's what the girls like!(bleep) millennials.

This whole story is justdisproving natural selection,

all right? Because the guy whojumps into the crocodile's mouth

is not supposedto get to breathe, all right?

But here's the kicker.

Tell us about the backpacker.Why-why is she so special?

Uh...

(groaning, laughter)

So...

after all that,

you (bleep) it upon an unforced error!

Mate, even the crocodile islike, "Yo, what are you doing?!

"I was trying to beyour wingman!

"I had it all lined up for you!

"Yeah! You looked like a badass!

"The chicks dig the scars!You got her sympathy,

"and you still blew it!

"All right, we can fix this.Just give me your other arm.

Come on, let's go."

But, you know what, if thecrocodile plan doesn't work out,

you know what they say--

"there's plentyof man-eating sharks in the sea

to (bleep) around with." Trevor?

Ronny Chieng, everybody.