Republicans: Heroes of the Resistance

July 12, 2017 - James Davis 07/12/2017 Views: 31,398

Neal Brennan points out how Republicans are actually doing more than Democrats to lead the resistance against the Trump administration and the conservative Congress. (4:14)

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Last year,

the Republicans swept into powerwith a clear agenda,

repeal Obamacare,pass tax reform,

and spend on infrastructure.

But after six months in power,

they've got nothing to showfor it.

Sort of like Ben Carsonin a rap battle.

(weakly):♪ My name is

♪ Doctor

♪ Ben

"Sorry, your three minutesare up. Thank you."

For more on this,we turn to my good friend

Neal Brennan, everybody!

(cheering and applause)

Trevor, you know, I usually comeon here as a real sourpuss,

but, right now, I'm hopeful.

Wow, really? That's, uh...that's a really different thing.

That's great. How come, Neal?

Because after the election,

I thoughteverything would go badly.

But the Trump administrationhas taught me

that a small groupof determined people

can make a huge difference.

Simply put, Trevor,the resistance is working.

Yeah. You know, Neal,I-I know a lot of people feel

that the Democratsaren't doing a good job.

And I understandwhy they feel that.

They have no power.They can't write legislation.

Democrats can't even writea slogan.

All right, Democrats trying outa new slogan.

I'll quote it for you.

"I mean,have you seen the other guys?"

That's it. "I mean,have you seen the other guys?"

(laughter, groaning)

"I mean,have you seen the other guys?"

That's the messageof your party?

That's like if Quiznos' sloganwas, like,

"Hey, at least we didn't hirea pedophile."

So, so, Neal,I-I'm confused on this.

If it's not the Democrats, thenwho's resisting the Republicans?

The Republicans.

They're the resistance.

Look at health care.The GOP controls the Senate,

the House, and the White House,

and they still can't get a billpassed.

You're the only team on thefield, but you're still losing.

(cheering and applause)

Same thing with Trumpand Russia.

Republicans set offa chain of events

where they were both the mouseand the trap.

Trump fires Comey for no reason.

Jeff Sessions liesfor no reason.

Then after he recused himself,

his second-in-command appointsa special prosecutor

to investigate Trumpfor the whole thing.

They're like a guy at a barcockblocking himself.

"Hey, you want to go overto my place?" "Sure."

"Well, too bad, I'm homeless."

So, so, I mean,this-this is a good thing.

This is a great thing, Neal.

I mean, with the Republicansin such disarray,

this would be the perfect time

for Democrats to step inand capitalize.

No! Don't do anything!

Democrats,pretend you're on the subway

and a drunk assholejust got on the train.

(laughter)

Keep your head down,no eye contact.

Just wait for the midterms.

We're only two stops away.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

And I knowyou're scared, Democrats,

waiting for the Republicansto strike,

but they can't gettheir (bleep) together.

Sure, you thinkyou hear the Jaws music,

but, trust me,Jaws is miles away,

sitting in The White House,watching Fox News in his robe,

with his shark junkflopping all over the cushions.

(laughter)

So, wait.Are-are you suggesting

that the Democrats just sit backand do nothing?

Yes, that's exactlywhat I'm suggesting.

Democrats,you don't need to resist.

You need to relax.

Do you hear me?

Chuck Schumer, go parasailing.

Elizabeth Warren, you look like

you've always wantedto make your own gelato.

-(laughter)-Now's your time.

The point is, don't resist.Relax.

The Republicans are the heroesof the resistance.

Mitch McConnell-- a hero.

Jeff Sessions--a pint-sized hero.

(laughter)

And let's not forgetthe biggest hero of all--

President Donald J. Trump.

With his tweeting and lying

and total disinterestin government,

he's the true leaderof the resistance.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

In fact, he might as welljust wear a pussy hat.

(laughter)

Neal Brennan, everybody.

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