Please welcome Chelsea Handler.
-♪ -(cheering, applause)
-Welcome back to the show.-Thank you.
-Thanks for having me back. I...-What do you mean? Anytime.
Well, I know, but, I mean,I'm just being polite.
Oh, okay. I was just...I get it. Thank you.
-Thank you for being here.-Thanks you,
as they say in South America,thanks you.
Or they say thanks God.They go, "Oh, thanks God,"
-and you're like...-Oh, we say that as well.
-Oh. -Yeah, we-we havea phrase-- they say
"Thanks God I'm a black man."That's what they say
in South Africa.That's, like, a common phrase.
Yeah, that's nota common phrase.
Welcome to the show.Uh, let's talk about your show,
which is coming back,which I'm very excited for.
Uh, you're changing upthe format a little bit, though.
You're going weekly and thenit's gonna be an hour-long show
and you are mixing it up,you're going all over the world.
What are you most excited about?
Well, we travel on the show.So we went to India,
we went to England, we wentto Wales, we went to Paris,
we went to Scotland, whichnobody really understands
whether that's a country or not,even the people...
even the people in Scotland.I'm, like, "Is this a country?"
They're like, "Mmm..."
And it's... It seems like aneasily defined term, "country."
Like, I'm a woman, you're a man.I mean, maybe.
-You know? -Well, maybe"country" is on a spectrum,
-just like gender is.-Just like trans?
-Yeah. It could be. -Likea trans country? Yeah, maybe.
I don't know. But peoplereally don't seem to know
if it's a countryor part of another "kingdom."
I'm like, "'Kingdom'is Game of Thronesy to me."
Like, I don't believein kingdoms.
Like, the United Kingdom--I don't take that seriously.
I'm like, "Uh, nobody'sa 'kingdom' anymore."
I pray to Godyou never meet the queen.
-Like, I just picture-I bet... I...
-you saying this to her...-By the way, I bet she prays
to God every nightthat she never meets me either.
Or, you know what's funny,is we think that and then
you find you meet her and thenyou guys are gonna hit it off.
No, no, no,I don't want to meet her.
I don't want to be disappointedor disappoint.
Like, I don't want to meetpeople... I don't want to meet
Barack Obama or Michelle Obama,'cause I don't want them
to know whatis going on in my life.
Like, I don't want themto ever go, "Oh, we met her
and she's such a great girlbut what a (bleep) mess."
-Can you say "(bleep)"? Youknow? -You can say "(bleep)."
Yeah. Like, I don't want themto go... (groaning)
You know?I just want to, like...
I want them to go,"I want to meet her,"
and then it never comesto fruition.
I like...That's a nice life goal.
"I want them to want to meet mebut never meet me."
Yeah, I want people to...
That-that makes...that makes a lot of sense.
-Thanks you.-Thanks you.
Thanks you. Un, in-in the show,
you know, what-what I've enjoyedis-- I was lucky enough
to be a guest on your show--you have dinner parties
with different guests.Uh, you-you talk
about a hostof different subjects.
Are you piningto get back on the air?
-Because there is so muchhappening. -I am on the air,
asshole. I mean, I'm on the air.
No, but I mean, like, weekly.
-I mean like-like talking aboutstuff that's happening now. -No.
Well... Oh. Oh, yes.
Sorry. I'm sorry.That was a different language.
-I didn't understand that.-Yeah, asshole back to you,
It's your funny accent.I didn't get it. Um...
No. No, of course I am.
I mean, I have been off the airfor so many months that,
-you know,with this Trump thing, -Yes.
it's just so stupid--you can't even believe it.
You-you got into a-a fightwith the Trumps on Twitter,
-which is not a thing...-Did I?
-You did. You did.-Oh.
You-you tweeted somethingabout, uh, the "jeans"
being passed through the family.What I found interesting was
that the-the beef wasn'tabout that.
It was more about...One of the Trump--
I think it was Trump Jr.--came after you and he's like,
"You spelt 'genes' wrong."And I was like...
Was that a little bit ironicfor you,
like, a Trump coming after youfor a typo in a tweet?
No, 'cause I'm stoned a lot,so I don't really think...
Like, I don't take offenseto that. I said "jeans"
And then they were like,"Oh, 'genes.'"
I'm like,"But-but what's your excuse?
You can't spell anythingon a regular day."
So... I mean...
I like that you're like,"I'm high. What's your excuse?"
It's like Winston Churchill,when he said that to somebody...
He's like, "Listen, you're ugly.I'll be, like, sober
in the morning.What's your argument?"
And that's how I feelabout the Trumps.
I just feel like this is suchan assassination about...
on, you know, human rightsand civil rights.
And I-I want to be,like, the person
that sticks up for,like, minorities and LGBT
and Muslims and Mexicans.
-I just think, like...-(cheering and applause)
No, and I'm not...It's not even about that.
-But if you have a platformlike you and I do, -Yes. Yes.
I just thinkit's so irresponsible
if you don't stick upfor people.
And if you want to be a personthat's, like, posting a selfie
the day after Trumpgets elected,
then you're a (bleep) asshole.
-You need to...-(cheering and applause)
You know what I mean, right?
I hear you, I hear you.
And I think, like, you know,
who knows how longI'll have a TV show?
And I don't really give a shit.I have so much money,
I don't really need a TV show.
And I think it's importantto stick up for people
when nobody... when-when peopleare shy about it
or when people don't wantto ostracize a...
like, a-a component or a sectionof their, uh, fan base.
You know, if you're from acertain section of the country
-and you're like, "Oh,I have a clothing line. -Yeah.
I don't want to..."It's like, "No, no, I don't have
a clothing line." And I hope Idon't ever have a clothing line.
-I'd rather have a tennis ballline -You say that...
-before I have a clothing line.-You say that like
the clothing line makes youunable to participate
-in political conversations.-I think a clothing line
is from a very specific sectionof the country.
I won't probe any further,
'cause I don't want to getinto trouble.
Well, you're not from thiscountry, so you don't even know
-what I'm talking about.-(laughter)
-Thanks you all for being here.-Thanks you very much
for being here.
Oh, season two of Chelsea premieres on Netflix April 14.
Chelsea Handler, everybody.