Because of her lifelong love of green screens and sexual attraction to weather, Jane's career as a meteorologist has always seemed inevitable. As dedicated a correspondent as you can imagine, she spends an hour every morning staring at the sun and taking notes to increase the accuracy of her forecast.
Grant hosted "The Fake News" for many years, but he lost the job after we discovered that he lied about his illustrious military career. Seeing as he is the former host of the show, you might expect us to write a longer biography for him. But what kind of lesson would that send to the liars of the world?
Mike is the funniest man in the world, an absolute cutup whose prankster spirit puts a big, goofy smile on the face of this dumb, idiot world. While he may not be an official "The Fake News" correspondent, his show "The Rotch Report" has already been named the Funniest Show Ever Made by Ted Nelms, and we can't help but talk about it.
Carl is our resident augmented reality and graphics specialist, creating digital, visual realities that elucidate even the most complex news stories. (Note: He often gets lost in his own visualizations, refers to himself as "The Datalord" and claws indiscriminately at his surroundings, certain he is the master of our reality. If he does this on TV, don't be concerned; just wait a few minutes until he tuckers himself out and collapses onto the ground.)
We'll be honest: We were desperate to get Aliana on board. She's an incredibly decorated, renowned journalist who would be the envy of any newsroom. The thing is, she would only accept the position if she got to do the one thing she always wanted: exclusively report on underwear. But aside from the occasional fire at the local boxers factory, this rarely occurs. It may seem like a waste of money to keep her on the payroll, but she really knocks those once-in-a-while underwear reports out of the park.
Though Peter has led an impressive career as a concert flutist, it was never his true passion. In fact, he only got into the flute field as a stepping stone to his real aspiration: to become a panelist. Of course, here at "The Fake News," no one knew that when we hired him to play some music. But eventually he guilted us into letting him sit on the panel.
Tharg is not a correspondent. He is a candidate for the Troll King election, which is theoretically happening in the land beneath the surface world, if trolls and troll governments do, in fact, exist. If Tharg is real, he hopes to appeal to fungus farmers as well as the cosmopolitan urban trolls on the outskirts of Subterranea to secure his victory. Long may he reign.
Sure, some criticized "The Fake News" for hiring Amy as a health correspondent since she actively works for a drug company. But have you considered that TFN is owned by the same drug company, and that if you're angry about it, maybe you should sit back and pop a few pills of Novene, a wonderful weight-loss drug that's still pending approval by the FDA?