Stuart McCoy

Hurricane Randy Reporter

While out shooting a field piece, a cameraman dared Stuart to climb a tree. Unfortunately, he simply couldn't get down and has spent the last two years living amongst the leaves. If anyone knows how to get down from a tree, please contact our show's producers.

Gail Claymore

Trump Well Reporter

Born and raised in a well, Gail's firsthand experience has given her reporting a verisimilitude that other well reports just can't match. Unfortunately, due to declining well usage across the country, her talents are rarely put to use.

Mark Tellfer

Hurricane Randy Reporter

An intrepid reporter, Mark will go to any lengths necessary to cover the world's most severe storms up close. He is never without his most prized possession: an "I Will Never Die in a Storm" T-shirt that his father passed down to him before being lost at sea the following day.

Jane Gordon


Because of her lifelong love of green screens and sexual attraction to weather, Jane's career as a meteorologist has always seemed inevitable. As dedicated a correspondent as you can imagine, she spends an hour every morning staring at the sun and taking notes to increase the accuracy of her forecast.

Ann Mammon

Money Minute

Though the rapid-fire manner in which Ann speaks causes many viewers to think that she moonlights as an auctioneer, the truth is she suffers from a rare terminal illness that forces her to speak at least 800 words per minute or her heart stops. She also enjoys the taste of peppermint.

Grant Burdock

Recurring Panelist

Grant hosted "The Fake News" for many years, but he lost the job after we discovered that he lied about his illustrious military career. Seeing as he is the former host of the show, you might expect us to write a longer biography for him. But what kind of lesson would that send to the liars of the world?

Nora Samuels-Newman

Recurring Panelist

A presidential historian as well as a panelist, Nora's interest and expertise stem in part from her past career as a cat burglar (known as "Nora Samuels Muffinman") who exclusively targeted presidential libraries.

Chase Terry

Sutcliffe Murder Trial Reporter

To be honest, Chase is much too young to be a reporter for "The Fake News," but Ted made an exception once he began dating Chase's mom. He isn't very skilled, but it's fine; he's a good boy and mostly stays out of the way.

Mike Rotch

The Rotch Report

Mike is the funniest man in the world, an absolute cutup whose prankster spirit puts a big, goofy smile on the face of this dumb, idiot world. While he may not be an official "The Fake News" correspondent, his show "The Rotch Report" has already been named the Funniest Show Ever Made by Ted Nelms, and we can't help but talk about it.

Karl Boormann

Augmented Reality Specialist

Carl is our resident augmented reality and graphics specialist, creating digital, visual realities that elucidate even the most complex news stories. (Note: He often gets lost in his own visualizations, refers to himself as "The Datalord" and claws indiscriminately at his surroundings, certain he is the master of our reality. If he does this on TV, don't be concerned; just wait a few minutes until he tuckers himself out and collapses onto the ground.)

Aliana Aliena

Good Samari-Can reporter

We'll be honest: We were desperate to get Aliana on board. She's an incredibly decorated, renowned journalist who would be the envy of any newsroom. The thing is, she would only accept the position if she got to do the one thing she always wanted: exclusively report on underwear. But aside from the occasional fire at the local boxers factory, this rarely occurs. It may seem like a waste of money to keep her on the payroll, but she really knocks those once-in-a-while underwear reports out of the park.

Glenn Burke

Legal Analyst

Having mastered the lawyer joke with his bestselling book "Then Sue Me! 1001 Lawyer Jokes to Prosecute By," Glenn thought he would jump into the world of law himself as he works on his next book. He is getting college credit during his time as our legal correspondent.

Peter Thrush


Though Peter has led an impressive career as a concert flutist, it was never his true passion. In fact, he only got into the flute field as a stepping stone to his real aspiration: to become a panelist. Of course, here at "The Fake News," no one knew that when we hired him to play some music. But eventually he guilted us into letting him sit on the panel.


Troll King Candidate

Tharg is not a correspondent. He is a candidate for the Troll King election, which is theoretically happening in the land beneath the surface world, if trolls and troll governments do, in fact, exist. If Tharg is real, he hopes to appeal to fungus farmers as well as the cosmopolitan urban trolls on the outskirts of Subterranea to secure his victory. Long may he reign.

Cayley Creet

Celebrity Drivel gossip columnist

A born trendsetter and stalker, no one's more knowledgeable of and obsessive about celebrity culture than Cayley. Also, fun fact: She often wears pink clothing because she hails from the Creet family, who (as we all know) invented the color pink.

Amy Sussman

Health correspondent

Sure, some criticized "The Fake News" for hiring Amy as a health correspondent since she actively works for a drug company. But have you considered that TFN is owned by the same drug company, and that if you're angry about it, maybe you should sit back and pop a few pills of Novene, a wonderful weight-loss drug that's still pending approval by the FDA?

Abby Wofsy

Hurricane Randy reporter

She's always late, and she was even late today, on Biography Writing Day. She doesn't get a bio.