Welcome the Nightly Show Contributors

August 18, 2016 - Jon Stewart 08/18/2016 Views: 3,230

Larry highlights some of his contributors' best moments and thanks them for their tireless dedication to Nightlyness. (3:59)

All right. Welcome back!

Now, one of the thingsthat made our show so special

was our diverse castof contributors.

And overour year-and-a-half run here,

we definitely had some funwith them.

So take a look.

-Hey, it's the Nightly Show contributors. -Hey! Yeah!

-Leave your homes immediately!-Now!

Okay? Do not takeyour valuables!

Leave 'em!

Darnell Thelonious Lewis,you put that TV down right now!

Meet TV's hottest new fictionalcharacter, O.J. Simpson.

WOMAN:♪ Nightly! Nightly!

-Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama!-Wait, wait...

I'm getting a Black Friday boner

-just thinking about it.-Okay, hold on.

Kim Jong, uh, uh,gets a lot of criticism.

-Well... -But he-he'sactually a normal guy.

-What?-And he's sup-super chill.

If Lemonade was about you,Piers Morgan,

it would have been called Metamucil.

-Stop sending us dildos!-Yes.

The penalty must be death!

-No (bleep).-Okay.

-USA! USA! That's right.-Um...

What happened in Benghaziwas a tragedy,

and Hillary Clintonstill has not answered for it.

-(moaning)-Uh... Oh, my God!

♪ It's an amazing time to vote

♪ As long as you votefor Cruz. ♪

-Uh, uh, hold on...-Yeah!

There's a real special placein hell for a woman

who doesn't support womenwho make their own damn choices.

(Cockney accent):Hi! What-o, Larry?!

-Hey, Nigel!-Yeah, that's right.

Hi, I'm Julianne Moore.

It's just-a me, Larry, Mario!

This isn't the '50s. You can'tshove that mess down my throat.

That's what she said.

I have to gobecause my friend is having

-a My Little Pony birthday party-Oh.

and they have a Slip 'N Slide,so, you know, priorities.

What did you say to me, Larry?

-I can't get... I can't findmy mouth. -No. -WILMORE: Grace.

Rory will be againstthe no-fly list,

and Mike will be in flavorof stripping Muslims citizens

-of their rights and dignity,okay? -Sounds good.

Well, Jesus Christ, no!

-Sounds good.-And... begin.

(cheers and applause)

(theme show music plays)


All right, please welcome

the Nightly Show contributorsGrace Parra.

(cheers and applause)

And Franchesca Ramsey!

-(cheers and applause)-Hey.

Jordan Carlos!

-(cheers and applause)-Jordan.

Robin Thede.

(cheers and applause)

Sorry. That was Holly Walker.Now Robin Thede.

-Come on out, Robin.-(applause and cheering)

And Rory Albanese!

-Yeah! -WILMORE: There we are.-(cheers and applause)

-WILMORE: Yeah.-We did it!

We did it! (whoops)

Syndication, baby.

-We got it!-No. Rory, no. -No, no, no, no!

-Rory, no.-We did not. We did not.

-We did not get syndication.-No, we didn't get syndication.

-That did not... -What are wecelebrating? -No, Rory.

-We're cancelled. -CARLOS:No, we're not. It's over.

-You grew that mustache...-(whoops) We're cancelled!

-(Albanese whoops)-Yes.

Mike Yard and Ricky Velez sadly

could not be with ushere tonight.

They've been detainedby Brazilian authorities

for some (bleep) storythey told about...


...getting carjackedor something.

Uh, but they hadprevious engagements.

I just want to sayhow great it was working

-with all of you guys.-Mm. -Oh.

I have never workedwith a funnier,

sicker, darker groupof human beings.

-Thank you.-(applause and cheering)

And I meanthat in every way possible.

-In every way imaginable.-We're actually dark.

-CARLOS: Yeah.-Oh, yes.

So cheers to all of you guys.I want to say thanks.

And when we come back,here's what we're gonna do.

When we come back,we're gonna share some stories

and do a little drinking,

-and, uh, I don't know.Who knows? -Yeah.

And, uh, I'll tell you what.As we go out,

here's a little messagefrom Mike Yard.

Hey, y'all.So what do you say

when you lose your dream jobthe day before

you're about to goon your dream vacation?

How the hell am I gonna payfor all this (bleep)?

So, Larry, listen,can a brother hold something

till I get back on my feet?

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