Best Worst Thing - James Holmes Is a Muslim

Season 1 , Ep 7 04/02/13 Views: 25,014

After learning that James Holmes has converted to Islam, John Mulaney and T.J. Miller list the advantages the imprisoned man now has. (1:39)

WITH THE BEST WORST THINGOF THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

ARKHAM ASYLUM,SALAMU ALAYKUM.

AURORA SHOOTER JAMES HOLMES

HAS REPORTEDLY CONVERTEDTO ISLAM IN PRISON

AND IS PRAYINGUP TO FIVE TIMES A DAY.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME,SCIENTOLOGY.

- THIS IS THE LAST STEP

IN BEING THE WORST,MOST HATED PERSON IN AMERICA.

- HE IS NOW OFFICIALLYTHE HARDEST PERSON

TO PLAY TWO TRUTHSAND A LIE WITH, I THINK.

HE'S LIKE,"I'M A MASS MURDERER,

"I'M A DEVOUT MUSLIM,

AND ONE SUMMER I WORKEDAT A COLD STONE CREAMERY."

HARD TO KNOW.

- YEAH, YEAH.

- THAT SUCKS YOU GOTTA PRAYFIVE TIMES A DAY.

THAT'S NO GOOD.

SOME PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY,

THEY GOTTA DESIGNA ONCE DAILY ISLAM PRAYER,

'CAUSE YOU CAN'TSPEND ALL DAY PRAYING.

AND I HOPE I DON'TGET KILLED FOR THAT JOKE.

- PROBABLY NOT.

- EVERY TIMEHE BENDS DOWN TO PRAY,

THEY'RE JUST GONNARAPE HIM TO SHREDS.

- DURING HIS PRAYER?

- OH, YEAH, FOR SURE!

HE BETTER BE PRAYING

THAT HIS ASSWON'T BE TOTALLY SHREDDED

FROM THE RAPE SHREDDINGTHAT WILL HAPPEN.

- BUT, YOU KNOW,I HEARD THAT JAMES HOLMES

PRAYS FIVE TIMES A DAYTHAT SOMEONE WILL TELL HIM

THE ENDING OF THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

WHAT OTHER--WHAT OTHER ADVANTAGES

DOES JAMES HOLMES HAVENOW THAT HE'S A MUSLIM?

- GREAT COLLEGE ESSAY.

- RIGHT.T.J.?

- I MEAN,NOW THAT HE HAS THE BEARD,

EASIER TO GRIP ONTO HIM

WHEN YOU'RE RAPING HIMTO SHREDS.

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