Jon Dore - Technology Sucks

  • Season 14 , Ep 10
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 17,962

Jon Dore doesn't like a phone that tries to predict the words he's trying to text. (3:56)

I LOVE THEM.

MY ROOMMATE FELL ASLEEPON THE COUCH THE OTHER DAY,

AND WHEN I GOT HOME,I PULLED A BEAUTY.

THIS IS WHERE -- IF YOU KNOW IT,DON'T RUIN IT.

I WENT TO THE BATHROOM,

AND I GOT A WHOLE CANISTEROF SHAVING CREAM,

AND I EMPTIED IT INTO THE PALMOF HIS SLEEPING HAND.

AND THEN I GENTLY STARTEDSUCKING HIS [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAN ALIVE.

HE WAS MAD!

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE,

THAT BETTER NOT BEMY SHAVING CREAM YOU WASTED!"

MM-HMM. IT WAS.

BUT HERE'S SOMETHINGTHAT I WANT TO DO,

AND I'M GONNA GET ITOUT OF THE WAY NOW.

I DO LOVE PRACTICAL JOKES.

MY SISTER AND I PLAY THEMON EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME.

MY SISTER IS PREGNANT,AND WHEN MY SISTER GOT PREGNANT,

SHE WENT ON THIS NEW DIET,

AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELPTHE DEVELOPMENT OF THE BABY.

BUT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS

IS THAT IT CAUSESANAL LEAKAGE, RIGHT?

SO, WE WERE DOWNTOWN SHOPPING,

AND SHE WAS WEARING WHITE PANTSAFTER LABOR DAY -- EMBARRASSING.

SHE'S STILL MY SISTER.

AND I NOTICED THAT...

YEAH, IT HAPPENED.

AND I GAVE HER THE NICKNAME"BUTT MUSTARD."

AND -- I'M NOT CLASSY.

AND SHE SAID,"IF YOU TELL ANYONE,

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU."

YEAH.

I'M READY TO DIE.

AND THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOMEIF YOU PARTICIPATE.

IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN.

I'M GONNA CALL HER ON MY PHONEDURING THIS SPECIAL, MM-HMM.

AND I'LL PUT HERON SPEAKER PHONE,

AND WHEN THE TIME'S RIGHT,I'LL RAISE MY ARM, OKAY?

AND I WANT YOU TO SAY,IN UNISON, "HI, BUTT MUSTARD."

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT,DON'T DO IT, BUT TRUST ME --

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

SO, HERE WE GO.JUST PRACTICE.

1, 2, 3...

All:HI, BUTT MUSTARD!

YOU ARE GONNA MAKE MY LIFE.THANK YOU SO MUCH. ALL RIGHT.

SO -- SHH, SHH, SHH,QUIET, QUIET, QUIET, QUIET.

AND TRUST ME --SHE'S DONE HORRIBLE THINGS

TO ME IN THE PAST,SO THIS IS OKAY.

SPEAKER.

[ Ringing ]

Shh, Shh.

[ Ringing ]

WOMAN: Hello?

HEY, SIS.

Jon?

HOW ARE YOU?

[ VOICE BREAKING ]I think we had a miscarriage.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S PROBABLY MY PHONE.IT'S PROBABLY MY PHONE.

THAT'S WHY I'M NEVER SENDINGANOTHER TEXT MESSAGE

AS LONG AS I LIVE.

YEAH.

ARE WE PAST THE MISCARRIAGE,BY THE WAY?

WE KNOW --WE KNOW THAT'S A JOKE, YEAH?

I THINK.

NO, BUT I DON'T LIKE CELLPHONES.

I'M NEVER SENDING ANOTHERTEXT MESSAGE AS LONG AS I LIVE,

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE A PHONETHAT TRIES TO PREDICT THE WORDS

I'M TRYING TO SEND TO PEOPLE.

'CAUSE I MOVE QUICKLY.

LAST WEEK, I ENDED UP SENDINGA TEXT THAT READ,

"HEY, BABY, I HAD A GREAT NIGHT.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A HOME DAY."

BUT I MEANT TO TEXT --"YOU SHOULD GET TESTED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

TECHNOLOGY SUCKS.

INTERNET'S GOOD,

BECAUSE THE INTERNET SOLVESALL OF OUR ARGUMENTS, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T ARGUE,THANKS TO THE INTERNET.

LIKE, I WAS AT A PARTYLAST WEEK,

AND FRIENDS WERE ARGUING ABOUTWHETHER OR NOT A CERTAIN MOVIE

HAD WON AN ACADEMY AWARDOR NOT.

THE ARGUMENT WENT ON FOREVER,

SO FINALLY, I JUST GO UPTO MY BUDDY'S COMPUTER

AND WATCH PORNOGRAPHY, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

PROBLEM SOLVED.

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