Kristen Schaal - Looking for the Ultimate D**k Joke

Adam Killed a Man Season 2, Ep 2 09/12/2014 Views: 11,502

To get to the top of the comedy food chain, Kristen Schaal needs to find what every comedian is looking for. (2:22)

I'M LOOKING FOR THEULTIMATE DICK JOKE.

EVERY COMEDIAN IS.

I MEAN, THIS STAGE IS JUSTSPLATTERED WITH DICK JOKES.

THEY'RE JUST,LIKE, EVERYWHERE.

BECAUSE ONCE YOU'VE FOUND IT,

THEN YOU'RE ON TOPOF THE COMEDY FOOD CHAIN.

I HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET,OBVIOUSLY,

AND WHEN I DO,I CAN PROMISE YOU,

YOU WILL NEVER SEE MEHERE AGAIN, NEW ORLEANS.

NO WAY.

'CAUSE I'LL BE HOSTING

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON

AND JIMMY KIMMELAND ALL THE REST

JUST EATING ME OUTUNDER THE DESK.

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE I'LL HAVE DONE IT!

DICKS RULE.THEY LITERALLY RULE.

MY EYE SIGHT'SGETTING WORSE,

AND I WAS THINKINGABOUT GETTING LASIK.

I DID SOME RESEARCH,BUT I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NOT COVERED BY INSURANCE,AND IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE.

BUT THEN I NOTICEDTHAT INSURANCE COMPANIES

ARE REALLY KEEN ON ANYTHINGHELPING OUT THE PENIS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE VIAGRA,

THE PENIS PUMP,YOU KNOW?

SO I THOUGHTI'D WRITE THEM A LETTER

AND SAY THAT I'VE BEENHAVING TROUBLE SEEING PENISES

AND I NEED THE SURGERYSO I CAN, YOU KNOW,

ASSIST IN THE PENIS

AND JUST HELPMAKE THE PENIS HEALTHIER,

AND I THINKTHEY MIGHT KICK IN.

I KNOW ONE PENISTHAT WOULD BE HAPPY,

AND THAT'S MY HUSBAND.

I MEAN, WE'RE STILL HOTAND HEAVY--

DON'T GET ME WRONG--BUT I KNOW HE MASTURBATES.

BUT I ASKED HIM.

I SAID,"WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT

WHEN YOU MASTURBATE?"

AND HE LOOKED MERIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND HE SAID,"I THINK ABOUT OUR WEDDING.

"I THINK ABOUT THE COLORSTHAT WE CHOSE,

"AND THENMY HEART GETS RACING,

"AND I THINK ABOUTTHE FONT

THAT WE PICKED OUTFOR THE INVITATIONS."

AND APPARENTLYIT'S THE CAKE TOPPERS

THAT REALLY JUST SEND HIMOVER THE EDGE.

AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.THAT WAS A ROMANTIC DAY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

I PICKED OUT THE BEST SONGFOR OUR FIRST DANCE.

I WAS U2'S I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.