Michael Kosta - Tickle the Pickle

  • Season 15, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 11,125

When no one is seeking in "hide-and-go-seek," it should be called "hide-and-go-die." (3:37)

- IN MY FAMILYIT GOES LIKE THIS:

JOHN, CHRISTY,TODD, MICHAEL.

OKAY, THAT'SMY NAME, MICHAEL.

EVERYONE HAS A FRIENDNAMED "MICHAEL."

EVERYONE CAN PRONOUNCETHE NAME "MICHAEL."

IT'S NOT A DIFFICULTNAME TO SAY, "MICHAEL."

WHEN I WAS BORN,MY BROTHER, TODD, WAS FOUR.

HE TRIED TO SAYMY NAME, MICHAEL.

BUT INSTEAD,HE SAID, "MIKEL."

"OH, ISN'T THAT SO CUTE--"TODD SAID 'MIKEL.'"

SOMEHOW, "MIKEL"BECAME "PICKLE."

TO THIS DAY--I AM 30 YEARS OLD--

MY ENTIRE FAMILYCALLS ME "PICKLE"

BECAUSE WHENTODD WAS FOUR,

HE WAS [deleted] ANDHE COULDN'T SAY "MICHAEL."

[audience laughing]

MI-CHAEL--IT'S NOT HARD!

I'M IN MY DAD'SCELL PHONE AS "PICKLE"

BECAUSE TODDIS A [deleted] HEAD.

"'PICKLE,' DINNER'S READY"--NO, MOM, IT'S MICHAEL, OKAY?

YOU AND DADNAMED ME "MICHAEL."

I HAD MY BROTHER"TODDLES."

[audience laughing]

NOW WHENEVERTODD WAS BORED,

WHICH WAS EVERY DAY, 'CAUSETHAT'S ALL OLDER SIBLINGS ARE,

IS BORED, MISERABLE,ASS [deleted].

HE WOULD GRAB HIS FRIENDSAND THEY'D PLAY THIS GREAT GAME

WHERE THEY WOULDTAKE MICHAEL'S ARMS

AND THEY WOULD FORCEFULLYTIE HIM BEHIND A TREE TRUNK,

AND THEY WOULDTICKLE MY ARMPITS,

UNTIL I [deleted]MY PANTS.

[audience laughing]

THE GAME WOULDACTUALLY END

WHEN THE TEARS WOULD HITTHE [deleted] IN MY PANTS.

"TICKLE THE PICKLE'TIL HE [deleted]."

THEY HAD A NAMEFOR THE GAME,

THAT'S HOW OFTENTHEY WERE PLAYING IT.

"TICKLE THE PICKLE'TIL HE [deleted]," REALLY?

I'M A NINE YEAROLD BOY, RIGHT?

I'M ADORABLE AT NINE.

LITTLE TINY-- LITTLE NINEYEAR OLD, LEATHER JACKET ON.

[audience laughing]

WHO ARE YOUR HEROESWHEN YOU'RE NINE?

YOUR OLDER BROTHERS,THAT'S WHO.

AND THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OFTHAT BIG TIME, JOHN AND TODD.

THEY USED TO PLAY "HIDEAND GO SEEK" WITH ME,

BUT THEYWOULDN'T GO SEEK.

[audience laughing]

WHO DOESN'T SEARCH FORTHEIR NINE-YEAR-OLD BROTHER?

THAT GAME'S CALLED "HIDEAND GO DIE," LITTLE BROTHER.

THAT'S WHAT THATGAME'S CALLED.

[audience laughing]

OKAY, PICKLE,HERE'S HOW WE PLAY.

YOU GO FIND A REAL TIGHTSPACE WITH LIMITED OXYGEN.

WE'RE GONNA GO PLAY"LEGENDS OF ZELDA"

FOR SIX AND A HALFSTRAIGHT DAYS.

HIDING IN MY NEIGHBOR'SCAR TRUNK,

"THEY'RE NEVERGONNA FIND ME HERE."

NO, THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSETHEY'RE NOT LOOKING FOR YOU.

BECAUSE THEY'REASS [deleted].

[audience laughing]

I CAN'T EVENTALK ABOUT IT.

I GET PISSED TALKINGABOUT MY OWN FAMILY.

I HAVE TO COOL DOWN.

HOW DOES A CHAMPIONCOOL DOWN?

HOW THE [deleted] DO YOUTHINK A CHAMPION COOLS DOWN?

[cheers and applause]

NEW YORK CITY.

JOHN AND TODD.

[cheers and applause]

TASTES LIKECHAMPIONSHIPS.

LITTLE BIT OF ASSSWEAT, TOO.

LITTLE BIT OF ASS SWEAT--CHAMPIONSHIP ASS SWEAT.

THIS IS FOR MY SISTER, CHRISTY,WHO ACTUALLY LOVED ME.

WHAT IF I JUST KEPT GOING UNTILI FINISH THIS, LIKE REAL SLOW?

- LOVE YOU, PICKLE.

- I LOVE YOU, TOO.

THAT WASN'TACTUALLY MY SISTER.

IT'S A GIRL I'M GONNAHAVE SEX WITH LATER.

[applause]

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