RETURN JULY 2014
the, uh...the-the driving situation--
the steering wheelis on the opposite side,
and you drive on the oppositeside of the street.
I was totally cool with that,but they have certain things
over there that, uh, again, whenyou drive, a little different.
They have this thingcalled a hook turn,
which basically, you driveall the way to the left side
of the intersection,go all the way up to the corner,
and you wait.
Meanwhile,there are cars turning
from almost every direction.
And then there's a train
that goes down the centerof the street.
Yeah. Even the GPS is like...
(laughter and applause)
I'll tell you right now--there's no Disneyland
in Australia,but they got a hook turn
that will get your heart goingthe same way, you know.
Also, too, Milan right here--he is, uh...
And I'm gonna get youthis weekend, bro.
Milan right here is the kingof partying it up. This guy--
every time I'd seehim hanging out,
he was alwaysdouble-fisted.
Always double-fisted, you know?
(applause and cheering)
I'll tell you, Milan.
I brought your Australian assover here,
and you're gonna double-fist
with some Mexicansthis weekend, bro.
(applause and cheering)
And you're gonna find outwe're exactly alike.
Difference is, is over therewhen you order alcohol--
again, certain differences.
Uh, I'm sitting at the bar,
and there's people therethat were at my show.
And, uh, one guy walks up to me,and he's... he's like, "Hey.
You here to drink?"I go, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna drink.""Uh, what are you drinking?"
"I don't know.I don't care, man.
I'm-I just...I'm gonna get drunk."
And he goes,"Ah! You're gonna get pissed."
I go, "Why?They don't have Patrón?"
He goes, "No, pissed--drunk, pissed."
"Oh! Okay. I'm sorry.
When you 'pissed' in America,it means you're upset."
And he goes,"Oh, we say 'pissed off.'"
I go,"Oh, we say the same thing,
but sometimes we shorten it."
So we wait a couple minutes,and here comes the bartender,
and he looks at me, right?
And he goes,"Hey, what are you having?"
And I look back, and I'm like,"Okay, here we go.
"Um, um... uh, something strong.
"I want real... something strong
"that's going to take medown to the floor.
Alcohol. Something strong."
And he looks at me,
and he says, "Ah, you wantto drink some piss."
And I looked backat the guy, right?
And he's looking at me like...
I'm like... I just can't say it.I can't say it.
"Uh, I'll have a long black.
(cheering and applause)
Freaking long black.
And then also, in Australia,
the traveling over thereis so much more fun.
When we fly here, uh,anybody who's, you know,
been to the airport,you know how challenging it is.
They are so relaxedin Australia.
To travel... we travelfrom Sydney to Melbourne,
and, uh, you know,we go to the airport.
Going through the airport was,oh, my God, like that.
Here... we flewfrom L.A. to here.
This is what happened, right?
"Take off your shoes.Take off your belt.
"Take everything outof your pockets.
"Take off your hat.Take off your jacket.
"You got a sweater?Take that off, too.
"You wearing glasses?Put 'em on.
"You know, pull 'em and...and put 'em on the tray.
You got a watch? Take that off."
And then you walk throughand, you know...
In Australia, I swear to you,
they didn't even havea huge tray.
It looked likea little lunch box tray, okay?
It's this big. And I'm like,
"What the hell? What are yougoing to put in that?"
So I started taking offmy shoes, and the...
you know, the-the...the security looks at me.
"Hey, what are you doing, mate?"
I go, "I'm...I'm taking off my shoes."
I go, "Yeah."
"Leave 'em on.""All right, cool."
I started reaching for my...
"Ah, leave it on.""All right."
I started pull...trying to pull stuff...
"Hey, just come on."
"Are you serious?""Come on."
I walked through-- no lie...
He says this: "Ah, it's broken."