Tess - No Ring, No Ding-a-Ling

  • Season 9 , Ep 5
  • 02/24/2005
  • Views: 5,803

Tess offers advice to her mentees at her church. (2:28)

JOINED THE MENTORSHIP PROGRAM

IN MY CHURCH.

YEAH.

SHE CLAPPIN' LIKE, "YEAH."

I DID.

I WANTED TO GIVE BACK.

YOU KNOW SO I GOT THESE TWO

MID-TEENS, RIGHT?

THEY 10 AND 11 AND THEY'RE

GIRLS.

BUT THERE'S A REASON WHY I DON'T

HAVE KIDS.

I KNOW THAT NOW.

'CAUSE I DON'T EVER REALLY

KNOW WHAT'S APPROPRIATE TO SAY,

RIGHT?

SO MY FIRST TIME TAKING 'EM

OUT, RIGHT, THEY-- I REALLY

THINK THOSE LITTLE HEIFER'S

WERE SETTIN' ME UP.

I REALLY DO.

BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN THE

CONVERSATION WHIRLED AROUND TO

SEX, RIGHT.

AND THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT OH,

SOME GIRL ON THEIR SCHOOL BUS

GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO HAVE SEX,

RIGHT.

I'M THINKING LIKE, "DAMN,

OPRAH WAS RIGHT.

THESE KIDS AT 11 REALLY ARE

TRYIN' TO HAVE SEX, RIGHT."

AND THEN I WASN'T GONNA SAY

NOTHING.

BUT THEN BEFORE I KNOW IT,

I SAID, "LOOK GIRLS, DON'T GO

OUT LIKE NO CHICKEN HEAD OR

HOOCHIE LIKE YOUR LITTLE

GIRLFRIEND.

I HOPE THAT BOY AT LEAST BOUGHT

HER A COUPLE MILKS THAT DAY AT

LUNCH OR SOMETHING."

[LAUGHTER]

"ANYWAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

'TIL YOU GET MARRIED.

GET YOU A NICE LITTLE RING ON

YOUR FINGER, A ROCK, A NICE

ROCK.

OR A PEBBLE IF HE CHEAP,

BUT PREFERABLY A ROCK."

"NOW COME ON GIRLS, SAY IT

WITH ME.

NO RING, NO DINGALING.

COME ON NOW."

♪ NO RING...

[LAUGHTER]

NO ROCK, NO [BLEEP].

COME ON.

♪ NO ROCK, NO [BLEEP]

♪ NO ROCK, NO...

[APPLAUSE]

SO ANYWAY I'M ON SUSPENSION SO.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T SEE MY MENTEES FOR

6 MONTHS, WHATEVER.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE BACK,

THAT'S ALL.

'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO TELL GIRLS,

YOU KNOW, STUFF THAT YOU KNOW

A LOT OF WOMEN DON'T TALK ABOUT

THESE TYPE OF THINGS.

I'M TRYIN' TO HELP 'EM OUT.

LIKE BIRTH CONTROL.

YOU CAN'T TRY EVERYTHING OUT

THERE.

SEE 'CAUSE WHEN THEY PUT IT

OUT THERE, THEY DON'T EVER

COME BACK AND TELL US WHEN THE

LAB MONKEY DIED.

THEY JUST LEAVE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THAT ONE THAT YOU PUT IN

YOUR ARM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WORRY ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT

FOR THREE YEARS.

OOH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT NO BIRTH CONTROL,

NO PREGNANCY FOR THREE YEARS.

YEAH, THEY'RE RIGHT.

BUT I ALSO DIDN'T HAVE ANY

EYEBROWS.

YOU KNOW.

I HAD A MYSTERIOUS LUMP UNDER

ONE ARM.

COULDN'T GROW NO PUBES.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T GET

PREGNANT FOR THREE YEARS.

I LOOKED LIKE A DAMN FREAK

THAT'S WHY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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