Pete Holmes - Youth Pastor

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 101 05/12/2013 Views: 12,911

Instead of being in a comedy club, Pete Holmes belongs in a carpeted gymnasium. (2:28)

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So, I don't know

if you can tellby my overall vibe

I am a friendly fellow.

Kind of guy who likes to getto the airport

a couple hours early,get a few white wines in me,

and start telling old peoplethey still got it.

That's the kind--

High-fiving babies.That sort of thing.

I don't feel like I belongin comedy.

People going out,

drinkingslippery American cocktails,

having sex after.

I don't belongin the nightclub scene.

Look at me.Huh-huh!

This face doesn't--Hi, how you doing?

Fixed your taillightwhile you were sleeping.

No charge.

That's--[laughter]

I don't belongin a comedy club.

I like to thinkthat there are millions

and millionsof different universes,

each slightly differentfrom the last.

And this universe,the one we're all in currently,

is the only onewhere I'm not a youth pastor.

[laughter]

Does that resonate with you?

I shouldn't be on a fancy stageright now.

I should bein a carpeted gymnasium

with an acoustic guitarwith a rainbow strap

just like...

Who wants to rap about the Lord?

Let's do this.

Let's get some testimoniesgoing.

Tyler, I love those testes,buddy.

Break out those testes.

But no one will tell mewhy that's funny.

Yeah!

[laughter]

Corny guy.

I always like doingsomething silly up top.

This is a guy tellinghis Latino friend...

that their soccer team finallybroke their losing streak.

Okay?

Guy telling his Latino friend

that their soccer team finallybroke their losing streak.

[laughter]

"Juan!"

[laughter]

"We won one, Juan!

"Juan, we won one!

"We finally won one, Juan!

"Where were youwhen we won one, Juan?

"We finally won one, Juan.

"One is what we won, Juan.One is what we won.

"It was one to onefor the longest time, Juan.

"Then we won one, Juan.

Penalty kicks."

If that doesn't unlock the safewhere you keep your joy,

maybe lube up the diala little bit.

Just a little bit.

For yourself.

[applause]