Nick DiPaolo - Spending Money

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 6,995

Nick and his wife fight about money. (2:54)

WE FIGHT ABOUT MONEY.

SHE SPENDS MONEY LIKE A DOMINICAN PIMP,

LIKE EVERY GIRL I'VE EVER DATED. YEAH.

OOH, HE SAID DOMINICAN.OOH, WHAT [BLEEP].

- OOH. [BLEEP] HIM. - [LAUGHTER]

SHE COMES HOME LAST WEEK WITH 20 DISPOSABLE RAZORS FOR $5.

I GO, "I DON'T EVEN USE THAT KIND."

SHE GOES, "THEY'RE ON SALE!" "YEAH, SO ARE THE TAMPONS.

"WHY DON'T YOU PICK ME UP 50 OF THOSE?

"I CAN TAPE 'EM TO MY FACE TO STOP THE BLEEDING

"AFTER I SHAVE WITH THOSE RAZORS YOU BOUGHT ME.

- "I'M AH-- - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I'M SCOOPING BONE MARROW OUT OF MY CHEEK.

"HEY, THANKS FOR SAVING ME A NICKEL, YOU THRIFTY WHORE,

- "I APPRECIATE IT. - [LAUGHTER]

"BLEEDING LIKE DEAD KENNEDY'S LIVER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH

- I APPRECIATE THAT." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I COME HOME FROM A ROAD TRIP THERE'S A NEW RUG IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I GO, "HOW MUCH IS THE RUG?" SHE GOES, "550 BUCKS."

I GO, "WHY WOULD YOU SPENDTHAT MUCH MONEY ON AN AREA RUG?"

SHE GOES,"IT'S SOUND ABSORBENT."

"OH GOOD, THE NEIGHBORS WON'T HEAR ME STABBING YOU TO DEATH.

[LAUGHTER]

"IS IT WATERPROOF? 'CAUSE I'M GONNA

"WRAP YOUR BODY IN IT, TOSS IT IN A LAKE

"AND BUY A FAKE MUSTACHE AND GO GOLFING FOR THE NEXT

- THREE WEEKS. YEAH." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE MICE IN OUR HOUSE, 'CAUSE I LIVE IN THE WOODS NOW.

I PUT SOME TRAPS DOWN. I CAUGHT HER PUTTING

IMPORTED PARMESAN REGGIANO CHEESE IN THE TRAPS. AT 14 BUCKS A POUND.

"HEY, DOES KRAFT SINGLESRING A BELL, BITCH?"

- JESUS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THESE RATS ARE FROM WESTCHESTER,

NOT THE GAMBINO FAMILY,FOR CHRIST SAKE.

GONNA LEAVE HIMAN ESPRESSO MAKER AND A BISCOTTI

- WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE? - [LAUGHTER]

SHE'S DAYDREAMING THE OTHER DAY.SHE'S GOT A SMIRK ON HER FACE.

I GO, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?"

SHE GOES, "I WAS THINKING IF YOU DIE BEFORE ME,

WHERE I COULD BURY YOU SO I COULD SEE YOU EVERYDAY."

I'M LIKE-- "HOW 'BOUT THE FRONT DOOR OF BED, BATH AND BEYOND?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S LIKE,"WHERE WOULD YOU BURY ME

SO YOU COULD SEE ME EVERYDAY?"

I'M LIKE, "HOW 'BOUT MY GIRLFRIEND, PAM'S HOUSE?"

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

BUT SHE DOESN'TKNOW WHO I AM AFTER 15--

I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER. I GO, "HAND ME THAT BROWN TOWEL."

SHE GOES, "THOSE AREN'T BROWN, THOSE ARE TERRA COTTA."

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU IMAGINE SAYING THAT TO AN ASS-[BLEEP] WHO MADE THOSE?

"THOSE ARE TERRA COTTA?" THE DAY I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER

AND ASK SOMEBODY TO HAND ME A TERRA COTTA TOWEL,

THAT SOMEBODY'LLPROBABLY BE MY HUSBAND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE ONLY THING TERRA COTTA WILL BE THE TIP OF OUR [BLEEP].

- BUT-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DO A LOT OF YARD WORKNOW THAT I'M MARRIED.

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