Eddie Ifft - Periods

Benny, Ifft, Lukas Season 4, Ep 0402 01/15/2001 Views: 4,584

Living with your sister will get you a PhD in the period. (2:32)

ALL RIGHT.

WOW, COLLEGE.

WHOO.

HA, HA, HA.

MAN, YOU MOVE OUT OF COLLEGE,

WHERE DO YOU GO?

A LOT OF PEOPLE MOVE IN WITH

THEIR PARENTS, HUH?

YEAH.

I WASN'T THAT PATHETIC.

I DIDN'T MOVE IN WITH MY

PARENTS.

I MOVED IN WITH MY SISTER.

SHE'S GOT A NICE PLACE.

I LIKE IT.

I LIKE LIVING WITH MY SISTER,

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE'S

GOT A REAL JOB.

THIS IS ALL I DO.

IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH, 'CAUSE

SHE COMES HOME FROM WORK,

AND SHE TRIES TO HAVE THESE

INTELLIGENT CONVERSATIONS

WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, SHE WORKS

ON WALL STREET.

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

SHE'LL COME HOME.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, EDDIE,

DID YOU HEAR THAT THE DOW JONES

WENT DOWN 634 POINTS DUE TO

SPECULATION IN HONG TONG'S

CURRENCY?"

AND I'M LIKE...

"OH, YEAH?

DAISY GOT KIDNAPPED ON

'THE DUKES OF HAZARDS TODAY'."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE CAN BE EVIL.

SHE CAN BE EVIL, ONCE A MONTH.

AND-- YOU WOMEN, OH, MY GOD.

I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT

THE PERIOD.

OH, MY GOD.

I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'M TELLING YA, I'M LIKE A PH.D.

IN THE PERIOD.

MY SISTER CALLED AND YELLED AT

ME THE OTHER DAY.

SHE'S SCREAMING AT ME ON

THE PHONE 'CAUSE, LIKE, THE SKY

WAS BLUE OR SOMETHING.

AND SHE'S YELLING AT ME.

AND THEN SHE HANGS UP,

AND THEN CALLS BACK TO

APOLOGIZE.

SHE IS LIKE, "I'M SORRY I YELLED

AT YOU.

I'M PMS'ING."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU

KNOW?"

AND I'M LIKE, "I KEEP A

CALENDAR, TOO."

(APPLAUSE)

I DO NOT MESS AROUND AT ALL.

I KNOW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THAT,

'CAUSE I GREW UP IN A HOUSEFUL

OF WOMEN.

I HAD, UH, 3 SISTERS.

AND YOU KNOW, WOMEN, WHEN THEY

LIVE TOGETHER, THEY GET ON

THE SAME CYCLE.

SO WHEN THEY WOULD HAVE THEIR

PERIOD, IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS

A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION IN MY HOUSE.

I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WOULD GO HOME

AND I'D FIND THOSE WRAPPERS OF

THE TAMPONS IN THE TRASH CAN.

THEY SHOULDN'T BE CALLED

WRAPPERS.

THEY SHOULD BE CALLED WARNINGS.

IT SHOULD JUST SAY RIGHT ON THE

LABEL: GET THE HELL OUT OF THE

HOUSE.

'CAUSE I WOULD SEE THEM AND

LIFE WOULD GO INTO SLOW MOTION

LIKE I WAS IN AN ACTION FILM.

I'D BE LIKE...

(SLOWLY) "NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O."

I'D START RUNNING DOWN THE

HALLWAY, LIKE--

(SLOWLY) OH, MY GOD.

MY DAD WOULD BE WAITING IN

THE BASEMENT/BOMB SHELTER WITH

A HELMET ON, GOING, "COME ON!

GET DOWN HERE!

HURRY UP!

WE'LL STAY DOWN FOR 5 DAYS UNTIL

THE WAR'S OVER."

(APPLAUSE)

SAVING PRIVATE EDDIE.

AND MY SISTERS NEVER LET ME--