Nick DiPaolo - Pre-Cana Class

Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn Season 1, Ep 0101 12/08/2002 Views: 3,201

A Catholic priest told Nick how to live with a woman. (1:24)

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WOULDN'T APPLAUD THAT BECAUSE

I DATED HER FOR NINE YEARS.

THAT'S LIKE APPLAUDING FOR A GUY

WITH HIS FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE

HOME RUN IN HIS 33rd SEASON,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S ABOUT TIME JACKASS,

YOU KNOW.

MY BUDDY DATED HIS GIRLFRIEND

FOR 14 YEARS BEFORE HE MARRIED

HER.

I GO "THAT'S A LONG TIME."

HE GOES "HEY, YOU DON'T BUY

A CAR WITHOUT TEST DRIVING IT".

"YEAH, YOU DON'T PUT A 100,000

MILES ON THE TEST CAR EITHER,

YOU KNOW.

LAST THING YOU WANT IS HER

HAVING ENGINE PROBLEMS ON YOUR

WEDDING NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

HEY, SHE WON'T TURN OVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAYBE SHE'S FLOODED SHE HAD

14 MARGARITAS, YOU KNOW.

I'M CATHOLIC SO I HAD TO GO TO

PRE-KANA CLASS BEFORE I GOT

MARRIED.

THAT'S WHEN I HAD TO GO TO A

CATHOLIC PRIEST AND HE'S GOING

TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE WITH A

WOMAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

ANYONE SEE THE IRONY IN THAT?

IT'S NOT LIKE I AM MARRYING A

12 YEAR-OLD FILIPINO BOY.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE WHEN IS THE LAST TIME

YOU WERE ON A DATE FATHER?

AND THROWING A WIG ON

AN ALTER BOY DOESN'T COUNT.

YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S EDGY;

I'M THE ONE (BLEEP) THE KIDS

NOT HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

YOU'RE REALLY (BLEEP) UP.