I think the big fights
in a relationship
are usually the guy's fault,
and the little onesare the woman's fault.
And I think in the endthey kind of add up,
because the big ones,like, once a year, is big.
And then the thousand a yearthat are small
are because of the women.
And I figured out why.
You know, I think womenare almost
like the emotional healthinspectors in a relationship.
Like, they have a lookwhere something might be wrong,
even if nothing's wrong.
I call it "Soap Opera Eyes."They go...
Like, that's it.And it's on.
They're like, "What's up?What's going on?"
And even if nothing's wrong,they will start some stuff.
Men, this music's in their headtheir entire life.
"Just touch it.Just touch my wiener.
"I'm hungry.I will do anything for you.
"I would literally give youhalf my income for the rest
of my life if you just touchmy dick right now,
because that's all I givea shit about."
This is a fight between a manand a woman wh--
All right, I'll give youan example of a big fight.
I'll give you guys examples,big fight.
I was living with a girl once.
She was like, "Owen, we needto talk about last night."
I was like, "What happened?"I was kind of hammered.
She was like, "You came homesaying you were a big bear
looking for a pot of honey, andyou peed on my mom's computer."
This is a true story.
Yeah, horrifying.I felt really bad about that.
But the vast majority of fightsare started by women.
They'll just start a fight.They'll be like,
"Owen, are you hungry?"I'm like, "No."
She'll be like,"Where did you eat?"
I'm like, "What's wrong?"She's like, "Where did you eat?"
I'm like, "I ate at Wendy's."She's like, "Wendy's.
[nervous laughter]Who the hell is Wendy?"
And I'm like, "What?"