Demetri Martin - Dude

  • Season 8 , Ep 15
  • 03/18/2004
  • Views: 71,116

Demetri Martin is not a smoker, but he does carry a lighter. (2:30)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Demetri Martin: OH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I HAVE JOKES

THAT I WANNA TELL, BUT I DON'T

FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A RIGHT

ENVIRONMENT.

I DON'T WANNA SAY I WRITE

SOPHISTICATED MATERIAL, BUT I

FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING

ARTSY ABOUT SOME OF MY JOKES,

KIND OF UPPER CRUSTY MAYBE.

AND YOU KNOW SILENCE DOESN'T

DO 'EM JUSTICE.

I THINK THEY NEED THE RIGHT

ATMOSPHERE, SO I JUST WANTED

TO TRY TO TELL SOME OF THOSE

JOKES WITH THAT ATMOSPHERE,

WITH A LITTLE BIT MUSIC I PUT

TOGETHER FOR TONIGHT.

SO, LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS.

START HERE AND AH, GOOD LUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ [BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS]

Demetri Martin: WHENEVER I

INVESTIGATE A SMELL, I FIND THAT

THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS BAD.

IT'S NEVER, "WHAT IS THAT?"

[SNIFFS]

"MUFFINS."

[LAUGHTER]

♪ [GUITAR PLAYS]

I GOT SOME NEW PAJAMAS

WITH POCKETS IN 'EM

WHICH IS GREAT,

BECAUSE BEFORE THAT,

I USED TO HAVE TO HOLD STUFF

WHEN I SLEPT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NOW I'M LIKE WHERE'S MY

PLANNER?

THERE IT IS.

KEEP SLEEPING.

ALL RIGHT, COOL.

PERFECT.

I LIKE FRISBEES.

A FRISBEE IS THE ONLY OBJECT

YOU CAN THROW AT A STRANGER

AND HIT HIM WITH IT,

AND IT'S OKAY.

I KEEP A LIGHTER IN MY

BACK POCKET ALL THE TIME.

I'M NOT A SMOKER I JUST

REALLY LIKE CERTAIN SONGS.

[LAUGHTER]

MY PLUMBING'S ALL SCREWED UP,

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT I DO NOT

OWN A GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I WONDER WHAT THE MOST

INTELLIGENT THING EVER SAID WAS

THAT STARTED WITH THE WORD

"DUDE."

"DUDE, THESE ARE ISOTOPES."

[LAUGHTER]

"DUDE, WE REMOVED YOUR KIDNEY,

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE."

"DUDE, I AM SO STOKED TO WIN

THIS NOBEL PRIZE.

I JUST WANNA THANK KEVIN AND

TURTLE AND ALL MY HOMIES."

I WANNA MAKE A JIGSAW PUZZLE

THAT'S 40,000 PIECES, AND WHEN

YOU FINISH IT, IT SAYS, "GO

OUTSIDE."

[LAUGHTER]

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