Andy Zaltzman - Democracy Fans

Mike Lawrence, Andy Zaltzman, Kurt Braunohler, David O'Doherty Season 3, Ep 4 08/10/2012 Views: 12,634

Andy Zaltzman discovers how deep the rivers of apathy course through this proud democratic nation. (3:54)

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Even my wife doesn't like methat much.

So, um...

what do you guys likedoing here?

Do you, uh, do you like theworld?

Pretty ambivalent. Notreally my thing, either.

To be honest, I prefer, I prefersports.

What about, are you democracyfans?

Actually, let's do this by vote.

Raise your hands if you dolike democracy.


Okay, and raise your hands ifyou don't like democracy.


So strongly thought, but even inthat vote

when all you had to doto express your opinion

was go to the trouble oflifting a single limb,

we still only managed aroundabout a 55% turnout which

shows quite how deep therivers of apathy are coursing

through this proud democraticnation.

I heard this, uh, amazingstory a while ago about a guy

on the New York subway.

Not too many people thinkthis is a brave thing to do

'cause this man had faintedand fallen onto the tracks in

front of an oncoming train.

And another passenger jumpedoff the platforms and hauled

this guy to safety, risking hisown life to save someone else.

Do you think that is a bravething to do, New Yorkers?

Yeah. Well, it sounds it.Hold the round of applause

because wait until you hear

how he explained himself tothe media in which he said,

"I thought to myself,if that guy gets hit,

"I can't get to work.


"It's... it's Sunday, it istime-and-a-half day.

"I am not missing out for him!"

This is not bravery,

it was bottom line economicpracticality.

Do not judge the man.

He was mirroring the actionsof your government and

my government in decidingwhether or not to intervene

in international crises.

"Rwanda? I think I'll stay onthe platform for this one."

Squelch. Well, I couldlearn to live with that.

So, um, but we all makedifficult choices.

Not just politicians have tomake these difficult choices.

We all have to make ourpersonal...

even when we go shopping.

You have to make difficultchoices 'cause,

uh, you know, I don't like, Idon't like child labor.

I think, um, sorry if Ioffend any children watching

tonight when I say that.

But I don't like... I thinkchild labor is naughty, at best.

But on the other hand, Ido like a bargain, and...

and I also like my childrento wear stuff made

by their peer group.

I shows themwhat they can achieve if

they really focus andput their minds to it.

"Well, yes, darling, thatis an absolutely lovely

"potato print pictureyou've just done there

"but is it as good as thisfully functioning shoe?"

"No, it is not.

"Buck your [bleep] ideas up."

It's in all the parentingmanuals if you read them

backwards, I think.

So, um....

so I better wrap up.

I'm afraid, likea badly-managed

French restaurant, I'mrunning out of time.

But, um, before... I'm here allweek.

Before I go... thank you verymuch.

Before... before I go, I do havea little bit of admin to do.

I realize you didn't really payto see me do paperwork but

I'm not actually qualifiedas a standup comedian and,

uh, I keep failing myobservational comedy module.

And, uh, it's a new assignmentand until I pass it,

I only get gigs when oldfriends from home book me

to do them.


So, um, so they keep, theykeep sending me new bits of,

uh, new assignments.

I've got to finish thissentence of my observational

assignment this week.

"I'll tell you anotherthing women don't like,

"dot, dot, dot..." so I'm gonnago with "the menopause and

"the slow, inevitable declineinto the inescapable chasm

"of death...

"that it soominously foreshadows."

It's funny 'cause it's true.

It's been a pleasure talkingto you. See you all again.

Thank you very much.