Damon Wayans - Foreigners and the NYPD

Mata, Williams, Holmes, Smiley Season 9, Ep 912 08/20/2009 Views: 41,368

Damon Wayans wonders how cops explain putting a plunger in a dude's behind. (1:56)

I WAS WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET TODAY.

I GOT STOPPED BY A COPHE WANTED MY AUTOGRAPH.

I WAS IN A RUSH. HE SAID,

"I'LL ARREST YOU IFYOU DON'T GIVE ME MY AUTOGRAPH."

SO I GAVE IT TO HIM.'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH

NEW YORK COPS. YOU KNOW THEY PUT A PLUNGER

IN SOME DUDE'S BEHIND ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

SEE THIS DUDE WAS HAITIAN.

SO HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE RULES HERE IN THIS COUNTRY.

THAT BLACK FOLKS DON'T TALK BACK TO THE COPS.

SEE SOMETIMES BLACK PEOPLE COME HERE, FOREIGNERS COME IN

THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THANTHE AVERAGE BROTHER, YOU KNOW,

[Haitian Accent] "I'M NOT BLACK, ME HAITIAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NEW YORK COPS, DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT.

HE'S IN THE BACK OF THE CAR, "YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS.

I GOT RIGHTS. ME NOT BLACK, ME HAITIAN."

[Thick New York Accent] "LOOK IT HERE, KUNTA KINTE.

"I DON'T CAREWHAT YOU ARE BACK THERE.

YOU JUST SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE."

"DON'T TALK TO ME WITH DISRESPECT.

I'M NOT BLACK, ME HAITIAN."

"HEY, YOU KEEP TALKING CRAPBACK THERE BOY,

I'M GONNA PUT A PLUNGER IN YOUR [BLEEP]."

IT'S LIKE "I DARE YEAH. I TRIPLE DARE YA.

ME NOT BLACK. ME HAITIAN."

IT'S LIKE, "TOMMY. PULL OVER TO THE HARDWARE STORE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY PUT THAT PLUNGER DEEP IN HIS [BLEEP]

AND THEN STUCK HIM TO THE WALL LIKE THIS.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

- I'M NOT BLACK. I'M HAITIAN." - [LAUGHTER]

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN THERE

WHEN THEY FILLED OUT THAT POLICE REPORT.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSE THEY MADE STUFF UP. IT'S LIKE,

"AH, THE SUSPECT THERE TRIED TO ESCAPE IN THROUGH

"THE BATHROOM WINDOW. AND AFTER REPEATEDLY

"FALLIN' ON A PLUNGER 28 TIMES,

WE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO APPREHEND HIM.

"PS: HE'S NOT BLACK. HE'S HAITIAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]