Chelsea Handler - Babies

  • Season 11 , Ep 13
  • 03/08/2007
  • Views: 31,473

- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE] - THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT'S A VERY WARM WELCOME.

I HAVE BEEN HEREFOR A TOTAL OF SIX HOURS

AND I'VE ALREADY BEEN REAR-ENDED.

I DIDN'T REPORT IT 'CAUSE IT HAPPENED IN MY HOTEL ROOM.

AFTER THAT I STARTEDTHINKING ABOUT STARTINGA FAMILY AND DECIDED

I DON'T [BLEEP] WANT ONE. I WANT TO GET MY TUBES TIED.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT PERMANENTLY,

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY CAN DO A SLIPKNOT OR SOMETHING.

I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S OKAY FOR ANYBODY TO HAVE A BABY...

- BRITNEY SPEARS. OKAY?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T THINK THAT'S OKAY.

HAVING A BABY IS A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.

IT'S LIKE A 5-YEAR COMMITMENT,AND YOU NEED TO BE READY FOR IT.

- [LAUGHTER] - OKAY.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BABIES AND ACT LIKE THEY DID SOMETHING

THE REST OF US CAN'T FIGURE OUT. ANYBODY CAN HAVE ONE, OKAY?

I COULD HAVE HAD THREE IF I HAD GONE THROUGH WITH ANY OF MY PREGNANCIES.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THAT'S RIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLEWHO HAVE BABIES AND THENBITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT.

MY BABY WEIGHT, MY BABY WEIGHT, I CAN'T LOSE MY BABY WEIGHT.

YOUR BABY'S [BLEEP] SEVEN.

OKAY, YOU'RE A FAT ASS NOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

PUT DOWN THAT TACO, OKAY?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT BABY ANYMORE.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLEWHO HAVE BABIES AND THENSTART TALKING IN MONTHS.

YOU KNOW, MY BABY'S 48 MONTHS, YOU MEAN FOUR, ASS-[BLEEP]?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN? - I'M NOT 216 MONTHS. I'M 31.

- PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF CELEBRITIES ARE HAVING BABIES.

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD SCHMITT HAD THEIR LITTLE BABY

IN NAMBAMBIA, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT TOWN IS.

SO, TECHNICALLY, THAT BABY IS AFRICAN AMERICAN EVERYBODY.

THAT'S RIGHT. QUESTION, DO YOU THINK SHE'LL TALK LOUD IN MOVIE THEATERS?

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I HOPE SHE DOESN'T AXE HER PARENTS TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU EVER WONDERWHY THAT LITTLE ESKIMO,MADDOX, NEVER SMILES?

DOESN'T HE LOOK PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME?

I USED TO THINK HE WAS JUST BURNT OUT ON TRAVEL.

AND THEN I THOUGHT-- YOU KNOW WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS?

HE'S SO PISSED OFF 'CAUSE HE PROBABLY THOUGHT

HE WAS LIKE SCORINGTHE BIGGEST DEAL OF HIS LIFETIME

GETTING ADOPTED BY THIS FAMOUS MOVIE STAR WHO WAS GONNA RESCUE HIM

FROM HIS THIRD WORLD CAMBODIA.

ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE'S GONNA TAKE HIM TO EVERY OTHER [BLEEP]

THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HE'S PROBABLY LIKE,WHEN THE [BLEEP] ARE WEGONNA GET TO MALIBU...

LIKE, YOU PROMISED?

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