Hannibal Buress - Burritos and Jesus

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 01/29/2010
  • Views: 28,616

Hannibal Buress likes burritos more than Jesus because they are delicious and real. (2:58)

AND IT'S FUNNY HOW PEER PRESSUREHAS CHANGED FOR ME AT 26

FROM WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.

WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER,MY FRIENDS WOULD PRESSURE ME

INTO, LIKE, DRINKINGAND SMOKING WEED,

AND NOW AT 26,MY FRIENDS PRESSURING ME

INTO DOING STUFFLIKE HIKING.(laughter)

"HEY, HANNIBAL,YOU WANT TO HIKE?"

NO, I DON'T WANT TO HIKE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKEA HORRIBLE IDEA.

(laughter)

WHY DON'T WE WALK SOMEWHERETHAT'S PAVED

SOMEWHERE WE'RE SUPPOSEDTO WALK.

JUST IN CASE THAT WALK GOES BAD,I CAN JUST HOP IN A TAXI.

(laughter)

I DON'T LIKE OUTSIDEAT ALL.

(laughter)

(applause)

MY NEIGHBORHOOD HAS CHANGED.

IN THIS PLACE,THERE WAS A MEXICAN RESTAURANT.

IT'S NOW A SMALL CHURCH,

WHICH ISVERY UPSETTING TO ME,

'CAUSE I LIKE BURRITOSMORE THAN I LIKE JESUS.

(laughter and cheering)

BECAUSE STEAK BURRITOSARE DELICIOUS.

AND THEY'RE REAL.

(cheers and applause)THEY'RE REAL THINGS.

(laughter)

I DON'T LIKETHE ENVIRONMENT AT ALL.

(laughter)

I'M NOTAN ENVIRONMENTAL PERSON.

SOMETIMES I LET THE WATER RUN

FOR 45 MINUTESBEFORE I HOP IN THE SHOWER.

IT KEEPS RUNNING.IT WON'T STOP RUNNING.

IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKETHE POSEIDON

OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING.(laughter)

"LET THE WATER FLOW!"IT JUST KEEPS RUNNING.

SO WASTEFUL,BUT IT FEELS AWESOME.

(laughter)

YOU NEVER KNOW.I MIGHT BE SAVING SOMEBODY.

SAY SOME DUDE IS DROWNING...(laughter)

IN A LAKE OR THE RIVEROR WHATEVER.

HE'S DROWNING,

BUT THE WATER ONLY COMES UPTO, LIKE, RIGHT THERE

BECAUSE I DECIDED TO PLAYA GAME OF MADDEN

BEFORE I HOPPED IN THE SHOWER.(laughter)

I'M A HERO.

MY METHODS ARE JUST DIFFERENTFROM YOURS.

(laughter)

I SEE PEOPLE YELL AT THEIR DOGS,I GET UPSET.

I GET MAD FOR THE DOG.

THE PEOPLE LIKE,"SIT! SIT! SIT!"

IT'S LIKE, "RELAX, THE DOGIS ALREADY KIND OF SITTING

IN RELATION TO YOU ANYWAY."

(laughter)

I FEEL LIKE HE JUST WANT TO TELLANOTHER SPECIES TO DO SOMETHING.

RELAX, MAYBE THAT DOG DON'T WANTTO PUT HIS BARE ASS

ON SIXTH AVENUE,YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT?(laughter)

'CAUSE I WOULDN'TWANT TO PUT--

I COULD SEE IF THE DOGWAS DOING SOMETHING CRAZY

FOR YOU TO TELL IT TO SIT,LIKE IF IT STOOD UP

ON ITS HIND LEGS AND STARTEDTRYING TO, LIKE, BOX PEOPLE.

(laughter)

"IS YOUR DOG TRYINGTO FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW?

TELL IT TO SIT!"

(laughter)

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