Nick Thune - Two Birds

  • Season 12 , Ep 9
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 43,372

When in history was there an abundance of birds and a shortage of rocks? (4:49)

THANK YOU.

RECENTLY, MY ROOMMATEWALKED IN ON MEWHILE I WAS MASTURBATING.

- [LAUGHTER]- NO, I'M, I'M SORRY.

I SAID THAT WRONG.

RECENTLY, I WALKED INON MY ROOMMATEWHILE I WAS MASTURBATING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, CAN I BORROW THAT SOCK?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LET ME TELL YOU GUYSTHE MOST AWKWARD PLACE

TO RUN INTO A HOMELESS PERSON.

IT'S ON YOUR WAYTO THE COIN STAR.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"AH, NO, SIR, I DON'T HAVE ANYSPARE CHANGE. AH...

"I WAS JUST GONNA TRY ANDFLIP THIS INTO REGULAR MONEY

- BUT THANK YOU."- [LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GONNA LIE, GUYS,I LOVE--

I LOVE TAKING PICTURES OF PEOPLEWITH MY CELL PHONE.

THERE'S NO CAMERA ON IT,BUT MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S USUALLY ABOUTFORTY-FIVE AWKWARD SECONDS

OF FRIENDS POSING FOR PICTURESWHILE I CHECK TEXT MESSAGES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOOKED UP "BISEXUAL"IN THE DICTIONARY

AND IT JUST SAID "SEE GAY."

UNLESS YOU'RE A CHICK,THEN IT'S COOL.

DO YOU GUYS THINKBIRDS EVER SAY,

"HEY, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,BUT HEAR ME OUT, UM--

"TOMORROW, I'M GONNA TRY ANDKILL TWO PEOPLE WITH ONE STONE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE THE GUY WHO ACTUALLYWROTE THAT SAYING,

"KILLING TWO BIRDSWITH ONE STONE."

WHEN IN HISTORY WAS THEREAN ABUNDANCE OF BIRDS

AND A SHORTAGE OF STONES?

LIKE WHEN WAS SOME GUYJUST LIKE AH--

"OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

"CAN YOU JUST USE ONEFROM NOW ON?

"NO, NO, NO, WELL, ACTUALLYWE'RE TRYING TO CONSERVE ROCKS,

"BUT AH-- THANKS FORQUESTIONING THE AUTHORITY.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH,TRY AND GET TWO WITH THAT ONE.

"YEAH, THERE'S A[BLEEP] LOAD OF BIRDS.

"APPRECIATE IT.YOU KNOW WHAT?

REMEMBER THATAND TELL EVERYONE FOREVER."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY INTERNET IS DOWN AT HOMERIGHT NOW.

I GUESS MY NEIGHBORSFORGOT TO PAY THEIR BILL AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE PRETTY IRRESPONSIBLESO IT DIDN'T SURPRISE ME.

I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD OPEN UPA RESTAURANT AND NAME IT

"I DON'T CARE" SO I COULDFINALLY GO TO THE PLACE

THAT MY GIRLFRIEND'SALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS OLD,

ARBY'S STARTED AFIVE FOR FIVE DEAL.

IT WAS FIVEBEEF 'N CHEDDARS FOR $5.BRILLIANT.

14 YEARS LATER, THANK THE LORD,

THEY HAVE THE EXACT SAME DEAL.

SO EITHER INFLATIONHAS NEVER HIT ARBY'S

OR THEY'VE BEEN HIGHBALL MEFOR 14 YEARS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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