Daniel Tosh - What Would Jesus Do?

  • Season 7 , Ep 23
  • 07/24/2003
  • Views: 74,232

Daniel feels like a better person while wearing his WWJD bracelet. (2:00)

DOES EVERYBODY HOPEFULLY THEIR

WJD BRACELETS ON?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

EVERYBODY?

'WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?'

THEY'RE NOT MAGICAL.

THEY'RE JUST A REMINDER

TO BE A BETTER PERSON, TO LIVE

A BETTER LIFE.

IT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE I WAS WEARING MY BRACELET

RECENTLY, AND I WAS IN THE MOVIE

THEATER.

THIS GUY'S CELL PHONE WENT OFF.

DON'T YOU JUST HATE THAT?

YEAH.

AND I'M LIKE, "WOO."

AND THEN HE PICKED IT UP.

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M IN A MOVIE."

AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, GET OFF

THE PHONE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "MIND YOUR OWN

BUSINESS."

AND I ALMOST WENT CRAZY.

BUT THEN I LOOKED AT MY

BRACELET.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

SO I LIT HIM ON FIRE

AND SENT HIM TO HELL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I DID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL BE HONEST, I FELT A LOT

BETTER AFTERWARDS.

THOSE THINGS WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS.

THAT PHRASE SHOULD END WITH,

"JUST KIDDING."

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD.

I'M NOT A GOOD SPORT.

I'LL ADMIT IT.

I DON'T ENJOY WATCHING OTHER

PEOPLE SUCCEED.

THAT'S WHY ALL MY BEST FRIENDS

ARE IN THE SEVENTH GRADE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN DO IT, TOO.

IT'S GREAT FOR YOUR ESTEEM.

NO MATTER WHAT, THEY COME--

"OH, I GOT AN A ON MY PAPER."

"OH, I HAVE A CAR."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIKE GAME SHOWS.

I DON'T LIKE WATCHIN' PEOPLE

WIN MONEY.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IN MY LIFE'S

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR KNOCKS

ON MY DOOR ONE DAY.

[KNOCKS]

"HEY, DANIEL, GET OUT HERE.

I JUST WON THE LOTTERY.

I'M OUTTA HERE FOR GOOD."

"HOLD ON.

NOW HAVE YOU TOLD ANYBODY YET?"

"N-- N-- NO, YOU'RE THE FIRST

ONE."

[BANG]

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN

CREMATE SOMEONE IN A GAS

FIREPLACE, BUT I'LL FIND OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THESE GAME SHOWS GIVING AWAY

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT?

I'D LIKE A GAME SHOW WITH

MILLIONAIRES ON IT.

AND THEY HAVE TO PLAY WITH THEIR

OWN MONEY.

YEAH, AND THEY CAN'T WIN MONEY,

THEY CAN ONLY LOSE, TILL ONE

OF 'EM GOES COMPLETELY BROKE.

AND THE SHOW'S CALLED,

"HA, HA, NOW YOU'RE POOR."

[LAUGHTER]

I'D WATCH THAT SHOW EVERY DAY.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S "HA-HA NOW YOU'RE POOR"

TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE DANCE YOU DO

WHEN IT COMES ON, I GUESS.

[LAUGHTER]

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