Uncensored - Hannibal Buress - Comedy Is a Weird Job

Hannibal Buress: Live From Chicago Season 1, Ep 101 03/29/2014 Views: 44,888

There's nothing that you can offer Hannibal Buress that will make him tell you jokes outside of a comedy show. (2:13)

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When strangers find outI do stand-up,

"Oh, you do stand-up?Oh, cool.

"Just do some shit for usright here at the bar.

"Go ahead--I knowwhen you usually do stand-up,

"there's a stage and lights

"and sound and a micand an audience

and a proper contextfor stand-up,

but that's the same--exact sameas doing it right here

at this bar for our facesfor free, so let's go."

And it's really annoying.I hate that shit.

I remember I was in D.C.I just did a show.

Me and my friendsgo to this bar.

I meet this girl.

We're drinking, dancing,having a good time.

She wasn't even at the show.

We go to a second bar.

Some dude yells out, "Hey!Good show, Hannibal."

Now, she's curious.

She says, "What do you do?"

"Oh, I do comedy."

"Oh, you do comedy?That's cool.

Well, you know,tell me a joke."

"It would be weird if I juststarted doing jokes right now."

"Come on, funny man.You're supposed to be funny.

Just tell a joke."

"Nah, I'm not tellingany jokes."

"If you tell me a joke,

I'll show my tits,"

and I said, "Yo, my jokesare better than your tits."

[laughter and applause]

"My jokes will standthe test of time.

Your tits?"

She said, "Come on, tell mea joke, and I'll show my tits."

And I was drunk.I went on this long rant.

"Hey! Hey! I'm notyour goddamn joke monkey!

"You need to respect comedians!

I was Emmy-nominated!"

I was flipping out.I was snapping.

Also, side note,I was nominated for an Emmy

in the same way that JuwanHoward has an NBA Championship.

[laughter and applause]

I just happened to be on theright team at the right time,

but I didn't contribute shitat all.

I was just on the sidelinescheering on my friend.

"Yeah!Y'all write them sketches!

"Hell yeah!That shit's funny!

That's funny."

So I'm snapping, "I'm nottelling no goddamn jokes!"

She just gets up mad,leaves the bar.

15 minutes later,I was thinking, you know what?

Could have told one joketo see some titties.

It didn't have to be my joke.

It could have beena horrible joke.

Okay, I got one for you.

What do you tell a womanwith two black eyes?

Nothing! You alreadytold her twice, boom!

Now you got to show your titsafter hearing

that awfuldomestic violence joke!

That's not my joke,but we had a verbal contract.

Now lift up.A joke is a joke is a joke.

That was the deal.