Victoria Jackson - Peninsula

  • Season 3 , Ep 11
  • 08/15/2000
  • Views: 272

Victoria doesn't like living in Miami. (2:53)

AND I DON'T WANTTO LIVE IN MIAMI.

YOU SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

FIRST I HAD TO DIVORCEMY EX-HUSBAND, SATAN.

ANYONE ELSE HEREEVER BEEN MARRIED TO SATAN?

HE GETS AROUND.

AND HE SAIDHE'S GOING TO SUE ME

IF I KEEP CALLING HIM THATIN PUBLIC,

SO NOW I JUST CALL HIM

"THE ARTISTFORMERLY KNOWN AS SATAN."

SO THEN I CALLED UPMY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

WHO I HADN'T SEEN FOR TEN YEARS,AND HE MARRIED ME.

SO I HAVE TO LIVEWHERE HE LIVES.

AND--IN OUR HOMETOWN, MIAMI--

AND THERE'S ONLY THREE TYPESOF PEOPLE THERE:

CUBAN, RETIRED, AND NAKED.

AND I DON'T FITINTO ANY OF THOSE CATEGORIES,

SO I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

AND SOMETIMES YOU'LL MEETSOMEONE WHO'S ALL THREE:

A CUBAN RETIRED NAKED PERSON.

YOU KNOW, I SAID "PAUL,WHY DO WE HAVE TO LIVE HERE?

"IT'S HOT AND HUMID,AND THERE'S NO SEASONS,

AND THERE'S A LOT OF CRIME."

AND HE GOES, "I KNOW, VICKY,IT'S THE ARMPIT OF AMERICA."

AND I SAID, "NO,IT'S NOT THE ARMPIT.

"IT'S--WELL, IT'S LIKEA PENINSULA, YOU KNOW?

"AND, YOU KNOW,MIAMI IS LIKE THE TIP,

"AND, LIKE, THE KEYS ARELITTLE DROPS COMING OUT OF IT.

AND THAT'S WHY ALL THE WATER'SSALTY AROUND THERE."

WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHTIT WAS A WEIRD-SHAPED STATE;

I JUST NEVER SAID ITOUT LOUD BEFORE.

I THINK THE ARMPIT WOULD BE LIKENEW YORK AND L.A.,

AND, LIKE,THE SHOULDERS WOULD BE,

LIKE, MAINE AND SEATTLE,OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT ANYWAY, SO--AND IT'S, LIKE, THIS IS AMERICA.

SHOULDN'T WE ALL SPEAKTHE SAME LANGUAGE?

[applause]

AND I WAS, LIKE, THINKING,LIKE, YOU KNOW,

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALLTHE S's AND THE T's

THAT THE BLACKS LOST?"

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I AXED DA MAN FOR DA BIDNESS.

WHASUP?

THE GAYS STOLE THEM.

BROOSS, SSSTOP.

I'M CROSSSSING THE SSSTREET.

BROOSS, SSSTOP.

AND THEN I WAS THINKING,"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE R's

THAT THE ASIANS AND THE BOSTONPEOPLE LOST?"

YOU KNOW, LIKE TWO ODER FLIED LICE

AND PAAK THE CAA IN HAAVAAD YAAD?

THE MEXICANS AND THE CUBANSSTOLE THEM:

BURRRRITO, RRROSA.

THANK YOU.

[applause]

THAT'S A NEW JOKEI'VE BEEN WORKING ON

BECAUSE I TOLD MY BROTHER I WANTTO GET MORE EDGY IN MY COMEDY

AND ATTACK DIFFICULT ISSUESLIKE RACISM,

SO THAT'SWHAT WE CAME UP WITH.

[laughter]

I'M TRYING TO TOUGHEN UPMY IMAGE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY TATTOOSOR PIERCINGS YET,

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