David Spade - Feeling Good

David Spade: My Fake Problems Season 1, Ep 101 05/04/2014 Views: 29,224

David Spade is willing to admit that he's on Vicodin, but it's for a totally legitimate reason. (2:03)

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I USED TO LIVE DOWN INTHIS CRUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD.

MY FIRST APARTMENT WAS A LOFT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

WHERE THEY HAVE THE BED STICKINGOUT OF THE WALL,

AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP THEREWITH A LADDER.

AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE...[chuckles]

THE LANDLORD GOES,"AH, IT'S A LITTLE RICKETY,

"IT'S NOT TOO STURDY.

I DON'T WANT MORETHAN 500 POUNDS UP THERE."

I GO, "TRUST ME,

I DON'T WANT MORE THAN500 POUNDS UP THERE EITHER."

HUH?

WHO'S WITH ME?

SHORTS GUY?

YOU GET IT.

I FEEL GOOD.I TOOK AN AMBIEN MONDAY.

WOKE UP ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN AMBIEN IS?

YOU LIKE A DRUG DEALER, MA'AM.YOU KNOW WHAT AMBIEN IS?

STUMBLE HERE FROM ONEOF THE CLUBS.

EMPTY YOUR PURSE.

I TOOK AN AMBIEN.

AND IT'S A REASONIT'S A PRESCRIPTION,

BECAUSE I WOKE UPTHE WAY I WENT TO BED.

AND THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

LIKE, THE EXACT WEIRD WAY,LIKE THIS.

AND THEN, 15 HOURS LATER,I'M LIKE, "HUH?

HUH? HUH, WHAT, WHAT?"

I'M LIKE,"THAT'S WHAT SLEEPING IS?

WHAT THE [bleep]HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL MY LIFE?"

YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET UPSIX TIMES AND EAT STRING CHEESE

AND PEE

AND PLAY ANGRY BIRDS AND EMAIL PEOPLE.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "DID YOUEMAIL ME AT 2:41 A.M.?"

I GO, "NO, YOU KNOW WHATHAPPENED?

"THAT WAS AT 7:00,

"BUT I THINK IT GETS STUCKIN THE iCLOUD SOMETIMES,

"YOU KNOW,WITH THE TRANSMISSION.

THERE'S SOME BUGS.I'M NOT SOLD."

[chuckles]I'M NOT SOLD ON THE iCLOUD.

I HURT MY NECK.

I'M ON A VICODIN RIGHT NOW.I WILL ADMIT THAT.

[laughter, cheers]

YEAH.

[chuckles]

AND IT'S NOT EVENMY FAULT.

IT'S 'CAUSE I GOT A TOOTH PULLEDIN JUNE,

AND SO I HAVE TO BE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S, LIKE, MANDATORY.

I WILL SAY THAT 50TH REFILLIS A TOUGH SELL.

I WAS AT MY DOCTOR,AND I'M LIKE,

"I DON'T FEEL PAIN,AND NOW THAT FEELS WEIRD.

"WRITE IT UP, DICK!

WHAT DO YOU CARE?IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME."