- I'm here to tell you about adream I had,
which I know is the most boringthing ever,
and this is how we're gonna getthrough it.
It was--it was so real that Ibelieve it was real.
And when I tell you the story,you are not allowed to listen
knowing it's a dream.
You have to listen as though I'mtelling you a thing
that really happened to me.
I am in a building.
I don't know what building itis.
It looks like a building I'vebeen in before,
but it's a little different.
I don't know what city it is.It doesn't matter.
I took a giant elevator.
I've been in this elevatorbefore.
Oh, it looks like an elevatorthat I took when I was in
Australia at this theater.
Oh, I recognize that, and then Igo into a downstairs part,
and I go, I don't recognizethis.
And I'm sitting there, and I'mat some kind of comedy festival
it would seem, and Prince isbackstage, and he's just
sitting there, and there's abunch of, like, comedy boys
around, and I don't know theseguys either.
And I'm thinking, "He probablyassumes, like, Dave
Chappelle's gonna be here,"like, I can--and, you know,
you all know Prince.
He probably saw a sign that said"comedy," and he's like,
"I bet my friends are there,"and then, like,
he sees people that look like--you know, like,
"Meltdown" people, and he wasjust probably sitting there
confused, and so I came in, andhe just looked at me,
and he turned, and he smiledlike this, and he goes,
"What's a podcast?"
Now, in this true story thatabsolutely happened,
I don't remember what I said,but it was sort of a combination
of something that explained apodcast and completely
dismissed a podcast.
And it might him laugh,and he went...
And he said, "What's your name?"And I said, "Jen Kirkman."
And he said, "Jen Kirkman,you're fun."
And then I just sat there, andthen he said,
"I'll be right back.
These guys asked me to do apodcast."
And so that's why he was asking.
And so he came back in the room,and he said,
"I told the guys I don't want todo their podcast,
that Jen Kirkman should do theirpodcast."
And they said they don't wantJen Kirkman to do their podcast,
so I'm gonna go do theirpodcast, but you're gonna
come with me, Jen Kirkman.
And he grabbed my hand, and wewent into the theater
where the three dudes wereonstage hosting a podcast,
and I walk in holding Prince'shand.
And he sits me in the front rowlike a prince does
to his princess, and then hegets up,
and he starts fucking with theseguys
who did not want to interview mebut want to interview him.
So every question they ask him,they'd be like,
"Prince, what do you think ofthis?"
And then he would turn and lookat me in the front row and go,
"I only care what Jen Kirkmanthinks about that."
And then he'd keep looking atme.
And he'd look back, and they'dgo, "Uh, well,
what do you think of this?"
And he'd go, "I only care whatJen Kirkman thinks of that."
And then--"Last question.
"Prince, if you could meet God,what would you ask him?"
And he said, "I'd ask him why henever put Jen Kirkman
in front of me before."
And the audience gasps, and thenhe grabbed my hand,
and he whispered to me,"It's on, you and me forever."
And we went--oh, we wentbackstage, made out,
and then he said to me, "I'm soin love with you,"
and I said, "Me too," and hesaid, "Would you give up
everyone in your life for me?"
And I said, "Yeah," and it wasvery easy to do,
and he was like, "Your parents,your friends,"
and I was like, "Fuck 'emall.
I hate these people."
And, like, I don't even care ifhe turns out to be
a fucking nightmare.
By the way, in real life at thispoint, he's dead,
but I'm like, "I don't care ifthis doesn't make sense,"
and so he said, "You're comingto Paisley Park."
I said, "Of course I am."
And so then I woke up the nextmorning,
and I hadn't opened my eyes yet,and I was like,
"Here I am in Paisley Park.
"This is gonna be amazing once Iopen my eyes in my new life,"
and I opened my eyes, and I wasjust in my room, and I was like,
"What the fuck?No!
No. No," and I start sobbing,
and I canceled--I had meetingsthat day.
I had things to do that day.
I canceled everything, and Ilaid in bed and cried,
not 'cause he died.
I was already over that.
Because it wasn't to be that Icould
give up my life for Prince.
I mean, I was like, "This lifesucks.
"What is this, an apartment?
"What this phone full of phonenumbers of people
"that care about me?
Oh, fuck them."
And I realized that I'm right tohave depression and anxiety.
My life is awful compared tothat dream.
There is nothing good aboutwaking up every day.
It is a disaster.
The only reason I don't killmyself
is 'cause I'm afraid of death.
Do you understand?
And so I wanted to have thatdream again, and I couldn't.
And then I read somethingonline.
Prince doesn't believe in timeor space.
And I was like, "That'sinteresting," and then
someone tweeted me, "Did youknow that the week before
you performed at the MelbourneArts Centre, Prince was there?
There's only one elevator to thegreen room.
He was in it the week before.
He doesn't believe in time andspace.
His energy was still in theelevator.
Mine got in.We're in some--
you see, the dream reallyhappened.
[laughter and applause]
Thank you guys so much.