YOU KNOW.
I WAS WATCHING A SHOW ON SHARK
ATTACKS EVER WATCH THESE SHARK
SHOWS?
OH, MY GOD THEY'RE GREAT.
THERE'S ALWAYS LIKE A SHARK
EXPERT IDIOT ON EVERY SHOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GUY SAID?
THERE WERE 79 UNPROVOKED SHARK
ATTACKS LAST YEAR.
"UNPROVOKED."
DO WE NEED THAT WORD IN THERE?
ARE THERE PEOPLE PROVOKING SHARK
ATTACKS?
IS THERE SOME DICK FROM JERSEY
IN THE WATER, "HEY SHARK, YOUR
FREAKIN' LOOKIN' AT ME?"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"YOU GOT A PROBLEM OR SOMETHING?
I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU TO BITE,
RIGHT HERE!"
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
BUT YOU KNEW THESE ANIMALS
WOULD TURN ON US 'CAUSE WE'RE
EATING THEM, RIGHT?
LOOK AT THE LOBSTER, HE IS THE
TASTIEST ANIMAL AND HE HAS NO
LINE OF DEFENSE.
WHAT DOES HE HAVE THIS, THIS IS
RIGHT HERE?
"OH, LOOK OUT, I'M A BIG SCARY
LOBSTER, I CAN'T BE STOPPED!"
UNLESS OF COURSE YOU HAVE A
RUBBER BAND ON YOU!
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW YOU SUCK AS ANIMAL
WHEN YOU CAN BE SHUT DOWN WITH
OFFICE SUPPLIES, AM I RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
AND THE COW, THAT'S THE WORST
OF IT, RIGHT?
LOOK AT THE CHEESEBURGER.
NOT ONLY HAVE WE MADE HIM INTO
A SANDWICH BUT WE'VE USED HIS
OWN MILK AS A TOPPING.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
YEAH.
[APPLAUSE]
YOU EVER THINK WHAT MILK IS TO
THE COW?
THAT'S WHAT THEY FEED THEIR
BABIES, WE JUST DRINK IT WE
DON'T CARE.
SIR, IMAGINE COMING HOME FROM
WORK ONE NIGHT, YOU WALK IN
THE BEDROOM, TWO COWS ARE
HOLDING DOWN YOUR PREGNANT
WIFE AND SUCKING HER NIPPLES.
THE SECOND YOU GOT DONE BEATING
OFF, YOU'D SHOOT THOSE COWS,
RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MAYBE JUST A PERSONAL FANTASY
OF MINE MAYBE SO ANYWAY...