Steve Rannazzisi - Subway

Lampert, Wood Jr., Leggero, Rannazzisi Season 9, Ep 910 11/11/2005 Views: 22,128

Steve Rannazzisi missed the New York subway. (1:26)

YOU KNOW I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.I MISS NEW YORK.

BUT I MISS STRANGE THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK LIKE THINGS

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D MISS. LIKE I MISS THE SUBWAY.

IT'S VERY DIFFERENT OUT IN L.A., RIGHT?

NO ONE TRIED TOTOUCH ME DOWN HERE WHERE I PEE.

BUT THEY HAVE A SIGN INSIDE THESUBWAY, I SWEAR TO GOD, IT SAYS,

"HELP OUT NEW YORK, PLEASE KEEP THE SUBWAY CLEAN. PICK UP YOUR NEWSPAPERS."

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, I DON'T THINK THE GUY THAT LEFT

PAGE 2 OF THE NEW YORK TIMESON THE FLOOR IS THE GUY

WE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT.HOW BOUT THE GUY IN A PIRATE CAP

- TAKING A CRAP ON THE GROUND? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT FEELS GOOD.I CAME HOME AND SAW MY PARENTS.

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA WHEN YOU'RE 3,000 MILES AWAY.

AND THEN YOU GET HOME AND YOU'RE LIKE,

OH, YOU PEOPLE. OH.LIKE THEY WERE GONNA BEDIFFERENT OR SOMETHING.

LAST NIGHT MY MOM HIT ME.I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'M WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSEAND I STUB MY TOE

AND I WAS LIKE, OH, [BLEEP]. AND MY MOM'S LIKE,

WE DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS IN THIS HOUSE, NOT IN THIS HOUSE.

YOU SAVE THAT TRASH MOUTH FOR LOS ANGELES,

AND YOU DO YOUR DRUGSIN LOS ANGELES

AND YOU BE GAY IN LOS ANGELES.

I'M LIKE MOM, I'M NOT GAY. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

YOU JUST DO IT IN LOS ANGELES.THAT'S HOW I GOT RAISED.

I GOT HIT. I GOT HIT WITH A WOODEN SPOON.

THAT WAS MY MOM'S WEAPON OF CHOICE.

YOU EVER GET HIT WITH A WOODEN SPOON? YEAH.

I HAD A WOODEN SPOONTHAT HUNG IN MY KITCHEN.

IT NEVER TOUCHED SOUP.IT NEVER TOUCHED SAUCE.

IT HAD HOCKEY TAPE AROUND THE END OF IT

AND IT WAS JUST THERE TO CRACK ASS, THAT WAS IT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY THOSE WORDS IN THIS HOUSE. NO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]