My dad used to take usto this water park in Orlando.
It's called Wet 'n Wild.
Oh, my God.
So many people have lived.
Wet 'n Wild has, like,
one of the tallest water slidesin the United States.
It's called the"Der Stuka," okay?
So one day, my whole family downthere, except for my stepmom,
'cause she's too drunkto take in public,
uh, but we decided we weregonna take this slide on
together as a family,really do it up, you know?
So my uncle goes down first,
uh, and he gets quite a bitof water up his shorts, okay?
Like, went down with shorts,stood up with a thong, you know?
So my sister's turn is second,
and she's in the heightof her puberty,
so she's wearing, like,a string bikini, orange,
and when she goes downthis vertical drop
of, uh, whatever-story slide,
her bikini top flies up,and her chest is just, like,
exposed to hundredsof water park onlookers,
which, I'm gonna let you knowright now, ruined her life.
I'm sitting at the topof the slide,
uh, in my own piss, and...
...my oldest sister behind meis yelling, like, "Go!"
I'm nine, okay?
I'm, like, just tall enoughto ride this thing.
The lifeguard over here,
we'll call him "the lifeguard,"
shoves me down.
I have, like, no time to crossmy hands and my legs over my bod
as the signsspecifically instructed
as I was climbing hundredsof feet into this death trap.
Water shot so fastand violently at my crotch.
I consider that dayat Wet 'n Wild
the day I lost my virginity.
I was nine, you know?
I could have gonewith waiting a year.
With somebodythat I loved, you know?
I've recently worked upthe courage
to compose a little letterto Wet 'n Wild.
"Dear Wet 'n Wild,why haven't you called?"
"May I suggest you changethe name of the slide
from 'Der Stuka'to 'Just-Douched-Ya.'"