Beth Stelling - A Water Park Deflowering

Beth Stelling Season 4, Ep 8 10/10/2015 Views: 3,545

When Beth Stelling was a kid, she went to a water park in Orlando with her family and had a life-changing experience on a slide. (2:23)

My dad used to take usto this water park in Orlando.

It's called Wet 'n Wild.

(scattered whooping)

Oh, my God.

So many people have lived.

Wet 'n Wild has, like,

one of the tallest water slidesin the United States.

It's called the"Der Stuka," okay?

So one day, my whole family downthere, except for my stepmom,

'cause she's too drunkto take in public,

uh, but we decided we weregonna take this slide on

together as a family,really do it up, you know?

So my uncle goes down first,

uh, and he gets quite a bitof water up his shorts, okay?

Like, went down with shorts,stood up with a thong, you know?

So my sister's turn is second,

and she's in the heightof her puberty,

so she's wearing, like,a string bikini, orange,

and when she goes downthis vertical drop

of, uh, whatever-story slide,

her bikini top flies up,and her chest is just, like,

exposed to hundredsof water park onlookers,

which, I'm gonna let you knowright now, ruined her life.

I'm sitting at the topof the slide,

uh, in my own piss, and...

...my oldest sister behind meis yelling, like, "Go!"

I'm nine, okay?

I'm, like, just tall enoughto ride this thing.

The lifeguard over here,

we'll call him "the lifeguard,"

shoves me down.

I have, like, no time to crossmy hands and my legs over my bod

as the signsspecifically instructed

as I was climbing hundredsof feet into this death trap.

Water shot so fastand violently at my crotch.

(chuckles)

I consider that dayat Wet 'n Wild

the day I lost my virginity.

(chuckles)

I was nine, you know?

I could have gonewith waiting a year.

With somebodythat I loved, you know?

I've recently worked upthe courage

to compose a little letterto Wet 'n Wild.

"Dear Wet 'n Wild,why haven't you called?"

"May I suggest you changethe name of the slide

from 'Der Stuka'to 'Just-Douched-Ya.'"

Eh?