Todd Barry - Hero Stories

  • Season 2, Ep 10
  • 07/23/1999
  • Views: 10,369

Todd Barry isn't one for hero stories. (2:35)

SO PEOPLE SAY TO MEALL THE TIME

"TODD, YOU'RE IN SHOW BUSINESS.

YOU'RE SINGLE.YOU'RE ADORABLE... "

I'M JUST TELLING YOUWHAT PEOPLE SAY TO ME.

DON'T KILL THE MESSENGERON THIS ONE.

PEOPLE SAY TO ME, "TODD,YOU MUST GET LAID CONSTANTLY."

WELL, PERHAPS I DO.

BUT I'M NOT ONEFOR HERO STORIES.

I HAVE FRIENDS WHO TELL HEROSTORIES, MAN, ABOUT ANYTHING.

I WAS AT A BARWITH A FRIEND OF MINE.

THIS WOMAN WALKS BY.

HE GOES, "OH, I KNOW THAT WOMAN.

SHE GIVES THE WORLD'S FASTESTHAND-JOBS."

"THE WORLD'S FASTEST HAND-JOBS"?

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IF SHE GIVESTHE WORLD'S BEST

YOU CAN FILL ME IN,BUT I DON'T NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT THE CHEETAHOF THE HAND-JOB KINGDOM.

SO APPLAUD IF YOU HAVEEVER BEEN TO

OR ARE CURRENTLY WORKINGAS A PROSTITUTE.

( scattered applause )

SERIOUSLY? GOSH.

PROSTITUTIONSHOULD BE LEGALIZED.

THEY ADVERTISEIN THE YELLOW PAGES.

THEY DO.

LOOK IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

YOU SEE ADS FOR ESCORT SERVICES,MASSAGE PARLORS.

AND THEY HAVE SLOGANSJUST LIKE ANY OTHER BUSINESS.

I SAW ONE THAT SAID

"WE GIVE THE BEST SERVICE.NO HIDDEN CHARGES."

WHAT KIND OF HIDDEN CHARGES

ARE YOU GOING TO GETFROM A PROSTITUTE?

GUY'S GOING TO GET HIS BILL,"ALL RIGHT, $100 FOR SEX.

"$50 FOR RUST-PROOFING?

"HEY, SUNSHINE,CAN YOU COME HERE A SECOND?

"I HATE TO CALL YOU ON THIS.

"ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M STANDINGHERE IN A PROM DRESS...

"AND I'M THE MAYOROF THIS HERE TOWN...

"BUT I THINK I'VE FOUNDONE OF THEM HIDDEN CHARGES.

"NOW, I WILL PAY FOR THE SEX.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL EVEN PAYFOR THE COLLISION INSURANCE

"BUT YOU MUST TAKETHAT OTHER THING OFF THE BILL

"OR I'LL ASK TO SPEAKTO YOUR MANAGER.

OKAY."

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