Jeff Ross - Dickie Smalls

Season 1 , Ep 0106 03/24/98 Views: 3,148

Dickie Smalls is here to say less is more, ladies. (6:11)

>> Ross: All right.

What's up, New York people?

How you doin'?

What's up, ass watchers?

How are ya?

I'm sorry.

Get here earlier.

What are you doing?

Cool ass crowd.

And I'm a cool comedian.

[cheering]

I'm Jewish.

People don't always think

Jewish people are cool,

'cause we don't talk as cool

as other types of people.

You never hear stuff like,

you know, "Jews in the house?"

Only time you hear a Jewish

person say "in the house"

is, like, you know, "Murray!

Get in the house."

You never hear stuff like,

"Rabbi, I ate pork

on the Sabbath.

My bad."

He's like, "Go, Jeff.

Go, Jeff.

It's your bar mitzvah.

It's your bar mitzvah."

You never see a Jewish guy

on a Harley.

What's the point?

You know he's going to fall.

Like all religions

and nationalities and races,

the Jews are very sensitive

to the stereotypes.

What do people say about us?

People say we're the cheapest

people.

People say that Jews

have the biggest noses.

People say we have

the biggest penises.

I can dream, can't I?

What's the other big one

about Jewish people?

People say that Jews

control the media.

You ever heard that one?

I got to think about that one

for a second.

I think we got to fess up

to that one.

My manager's Jewish.

My agent's Jewish.

Let's face it, okay?

Show business is run by, like,

2,000 Jews and Oprah.

[applause]

And she lives next door

to Spielberg, which makes her

Jewish by association, right?

It's a good thing.

We have that influence.

Jews as a people

should be proud.

Some stereotypes

aren't negative.

You think African-American males

get mad we make jokes

you have the biggest penises?

Hell, no, man.

I'd switch places in a second.

I'm hung like a Tic Tac.

But that's the deal God gave us.

Black guys get the nine-inchers,

and the Jews get channel 9.

I got the smallest penis

in here.

I'm proud of it.

If I was a rapper,

I'd be Dickie Smalls.

♪ I got my mind on my wiener

♪ and my wiener on my mind.

♪ In the dark,

♪ mine's hard to find.

♪ I was born to my moms

♪ at 8 pounds 5.

♪ Then my body got bigger,

♪ but my penis same size.

♪ Now I use,

♪ now I use,

♪ now I use what I got.

♪ 'Cause one size fits all.

My name is Jeff.

The ladies call me

Dickie Smalls.

Mmm, Notorious L-I-T-T-L-E.

♪ Break it down.

♪ Wee-wee, ding-dong,

♪ hoo-hoo, shaft.

♪ Laugh if you want.

♪ Mine's cut in half.

♪ Organ, shreckle,

♪ rocket, pump.

♪ When I wear tight jeans,

♪ you don't see no lump.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Why it got to be

about inches?

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: ♪ Don't let it come

♪ between us.

♪ Makin' love to my ladies,

♪ I always make them smile

♪ 'cause they cool

♪ with the fact that I'm hung

♪ like a child.

♪ My little penis is so cute

♪ and sweet

♪ that if I made a porno,

♪ it'd still be rated G.

G.

♪ Back in the days

♪ when I was a teenager,

♪ before I had pubes,

♪ before I used a razor...

>> ♪ Mama said stand proud.

♪ Throw away the ruler.

>> Ross: ♪ Other boys

♪ are bigger,

♪ but you're a lot cooler.

♪ A Jewish gangster

♪ with a belly gettin' bigger

♪ and a penis the size

♪ of a machine gun trigger.

♪ Baruch atah Adonai. ♪

♪ Want to pop a cap

♪ in all them boys.

♪ Got a ding, a dong,

♪ bigger than mine.

♪ On top of all this,

♪ I'm circumcised.

♪ Woody, wiener,

♪ member, willy.

♪ It hides up inside me

♪ when it gets real chilly.

♪ Boner, stiffy,

♪ carrot or pickle.

♪ Call it what you want.

♪ I call mine Don Rickles.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Yo, I ain't even

trying to hear that.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Don't call it

a thumbtack!

>> Hey, Dickie, I don't know

what you did to me last night,

baby, but ooh, you rock

my world.

I thought fun size

was just for candy.

Mmm.

>> Ross: ♪ If you've got

♪ a little weeny, say ho.

♪ If you got a teeny weeny,

♪ say hey-ho.

♪ And wave your little jimmies

♪ in the air.

♪ And pee like you just

♪ don't care.

♪ If you see me naked

♪ at the gym,

♪ don't stare.

♪ Stare.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> ♪ He's got a little,

♪ itty-bitty, teeny-weeny.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Yeah, I want to tell

all the women in the world

from Cali to Carolina,

it's not the size of the penis

that counts.

It's the depth of the vagina.

This is Dickie Smalls,

saying less is more, ladies.

I'm outta here.

>> ♪ Oh-ohhh.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: I love rap music.

I was listening to that band,

Wu Tang Clan, you know

that band?

[cheering]

They got this guy in the band;

his name is Old Dirty Bastard.

That's his name.

Old Dirty Bastard, and his

ex-wife was in the paper.

She's suing him for child

support.

First of all, how do you marry

a guy named Old Dirty Bastard?

What was the ceremony like?

"Do you, Denise, take this

Old Dirty Bastard?

To love and to smell.

I now pronounce you

dirty bastards.

You may wash the groom."

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