Joe DeRosa - Old People and War

DeRosa, Whang, Tolk, Watkins Season 9, Ep 911 02/10/2006 Views: 3,134

They should send all the old people to war. (2:14)

ALL THE OLD MENIN MY FAMILY ARE CRAZY.

I HAVE THIS UNCLE VINCE.HE'S 85-YEARS-OLD.

AND I LOVE WHEN HE TRIES TO TELL ME SOMEBODY'S GAY.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING EVER. 'CAUSE OLD MEN HAVE NEVER HEARD

THE WORD GAY BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES.

THEY ALL USE THESE COLORFUL ELABORATE EXPRESSIONS TO DESCRIBE GAY PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY IN THE PINK CUTOFFS OVER HERE.

"I THINK HE EATS PINK MARSHMALLOWS FOR BREAKFAST,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

"DUDE, WHAT THE [BLEEP]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"HE FIXES HIS CAR WITH A PURPLE WRENCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

"NO, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

"HE'S GOT A BANANA IN HIS TAILPIPE.

- WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S OLD, OLD AND CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE'S THE THING.

I THINK THEY SHOULD SEND ALL THE OLD PEOPLE TO WAR.

I DO. THEY DID EVERYTHING ALREADY.

WHY AM I GOIN' OVER INTO THE HELLFIRE?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET.

OLD PEOPLE AREN'T SCARED OF WAR. YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH CREEPY STUFF

MEDICALLY ALREADY THAT'S WHY.

HOW SCARY IS A BULLETTO MY UNCLE, ONCE AGAIN,

NOT AT ALL. YOU KNOW WHY?

I SAW HIM TAKE AN 11-INCH CATHETER THE HARD WAY. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

HOW SCARY IS A BULLET AT THAT POINT REALLY?

"A BULLET? YOU'RE GONNASTICK IT IN MY PENIS?

NO? THEN SHOOT ME. I DON'T GIVE A CRAP.

- HOW BAD COULD IT BE?" - [WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF ANYBODY DIED, YOU FINALLY HAVE A GOOD STORY ABOUT YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

I'M TIRED OF EVERYBODY TELLIN' THE SAME BORING ASS STORIES

ABOUT HOW THEIR GRANDPARENTS DIED.

"OH, MY NANA HAD A STROKE." "MY NANA HAD CANCER."

YEAH, DUDE. WE LOST NANA IN IRAQ. ALL RIGHT? TOP THAT?"

"MY GRANDDAD WAS A KAMIKAZE.

"HE RODE A WHEELCHAIR STRAIGHT INTO A TANK.

THERE WAS PRUNES AND EPSON SALT ALL OVER THE BATTLEFIELD."

BEAT THAT WITH YOUR PUSSY ASS STROKE."

I GOTTA GO GUYS.THANKS A LOT. GOODNIGHT.