Jimmy Carr - Crossroads

  • Season 9 , Ep 3
  • 01/13/2005
  • Views: 14,723

Jimmy Carr corrects his girlfriend. (3:10)

Jimmy Carr: OH, COME NOW.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

INDEED.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'M JIMMY CARR.

WE'LL MOVE ON, SHALL WE?

[LAUGHTER]

I SHOULD WARN YOU, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN BEFORE I GET STARTED

THAT IN MY SHOW THERE IS A

CERTAIN AMOUNT OF BAD LANGUAGE.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SPLIT

INFINITIVES.

THERE IS SOME SWEARING.

AND THERE IS SOME MATERIAL OF

A SEXUAL NATURE.

SO IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY RUDE

OR CRUDE MATERIAL FOR HEAVEN'S

SAKE, DON'T BE A [BLEEP] ABOUT

IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW SOME OF YOU MAY BE HAVING

DIFFICULTY WITH MY ACCENT.

OF COURSE TECHNICALLY I DON'T

HAVE AN ACCENT.

I'M ENGLISH.

THIS IS JUST HOW THINGS SOUND

WHEN THEY'RE PRONOUNCED

PROPERLY.

[LAUGHTER]

MY GIRLFRIEND SAID YOU WANTED ME

TO TEASE HER.

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT FATTY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE SAT ME DOWN RECENTLY FOR ONE

OF THOSE SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

CONVERSATIONS WHERE SHE TALKED

AT ME FOR ABOUT SIX HOURS.

I HADN'T REALIZED UNTIL THEN

THAT WHEN A MAN SAYS HE IS

"SPOKEN FOR", THAT IS QUITE

LITERALLY WHAT HE MEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE SAID TO ME, SHE SAID,

"JIMMY, WE'RE AT A CROSSROADS

IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

DOWN ONE ROAD IS HARD WORK AND

COMMITMENT, BUT ULTIMATELY

HAPPINESS.

AND DOWN THE OTHER ROAD, WELL

THE OTHER ROAD IS A DEAD END."

AND I SAID, "THAT'S NOT A

CROSSROADS, THAT'S A

T JUNCTION."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LAUGH.

SHE WENT [BLEEP] MENTAL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS DOING A SHOW A COUPLE OF

WEEKS AGO.

I GOT TALKING TO A GIRL IN THE

FRONT ROW.

I ASKED HER HER NAME.

SHE SAID, "IT'S PATACKA."

I SAID, "THAT'S AN UNUSUAL NAME.

YOU DON'T HEAR THAT EVERYDAY."

TO WHICH SHE REPLIED, "ACTUALLY

I DO."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I ASKED HER WHERE SHE WAS FROM.

SHE SAID, "I'M FROM OUTSIDE

NEW YORK."

I SAID, "REALLY?

SO AM I."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT PART OF NEW YORK AREN'T

YOU FROM?"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AT WHAT STAGE-- AND I'M REALLY

ASKING THE MEN IN THE ROOM WHEN

I ASK THIS-- AT WHAT STAGE DO

YOU GET PARANOID ABOUT RECEIVING

"ENLARGE YOUR PENIS" EMAILS?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE GETTING

THEM AM I?

IT'S JUST I'M CURRENTLY GETTING

ABOUT TEN A DAY.

EIGHT OF THEM ARE FROM MY

GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE TWO FROM MY MUM THAT

REALLY HURT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU GIVE A

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