Taylor Negron - Heineken in the Morning

Bobby Slayton & Taylor Negron Season 1, Ep 0129 02/24/1992 Views: 2,414

Taylor Negron feels like a Joseph Campbell man in a Roseanne world. (4:14)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

"I'M LUKE PERRY'S DRAMA TEACHER.

"I'LL OUTLEARN YOU

"I'LL OUTREAD YOUAND I'LL OUTPHILOSOPHIZE YOU.

"I'LL OUTLIVE YOU.

"COUNSELOR.

COUNSELOR."

I'M SORRY, I'M OBSESSEDWITH CAPE FEAR.

HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,"I LIKE HIM, BUT I'M SCARED."

( laughter )

WELL, I SHOULD TELL YOUA LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I'M 35 YEARS OLD.

ACTUALLY, I'M 34 BUT I LIKETO SAY I'M A YEAR OLDER

SO WHEN I GET TO THE YEARI'M NOT FREAKED OUT.

YOU KNOW, I HATE SURPRISES.

I'M A JOSEPH CAMPBELL MANIN A ROSEANNE ARNOLD WORLD.

UM, I'M A VERY NERVOUS,KIND OF ANXIOUS

KIND OF A RICHARD LEWISTYPE OF PERSON.

I KNOW TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, I WATCH THE DISCOVERYCHANNEL, I WATCH NOVA

AND I JUST THINKI KNOW TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT...

I MEAN, I NEVER KNOW

WHETHER I'M EATINGTOO HIGH ON THE FOOD CHAIN

OR TOO LOW ON THE FOOD CHAIN.

I JUST FOUND OUTTHAT IT TAKES 60 POUNDS OF WHEAT

TO MAKE ONE POUND OF HAMBURGER.

THAT'S SO MUCH,WITH THE OVERGRAZING

AND THE DEPLETIONOF THE RAIN FOREST.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE HAVINGA QUARTER POUNDER

YOU'RE REALLY HAVINGA QUARTER OF AN ACRE.

( laughter )

IT'S TOO MUCH.

I'M A SELF-TAUGHT MAN.

I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE.

I LEARNED EVERYTHING ON MY OWN.

MY HIGHEST LEVEL OF EDUCATIONWAS HIGH SCHOOL.

I NEVER WAS IN A FRATERNITY.

I NEVER HAD THAT EXPERIENCE.

I NEVER HAD A MAJOR.

THE ONLY DEGREE I HAVEIS IN RESTRAINT

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE THATAWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW.

BUT I'M FORTIFIEDBY MY CHOICES IN LIFE.

I REALLY AM VERY FORTIFIED.

I FEEL SO FORTIFIED I FEELLIKE A FLINTSTONE VITAMIN.

I EAT FLINTSTONE VITAMINSBECAUSE, YOU KNOW

I JUST LOVE THE IDEA YOU CAN GETYOUR MINIMUM DAILY REQUIREMENT

FROM EATING ONEOF THE FLINTSTONES, YOU KNOW.

EVERY MORNING I JUST POP A FREDAND HAVE A FRANGELICO BACK.

YOU SEE, IT'S AN IMPORTANT THING

THAT IN THE MORNING YOU KIND OFPROGRAM YOUR LIFE AND YOUR DAY.

I LAY IN BED EVERY MORNINGAND I THINK TO MYSELF

THIS IS GOING TO BEA POSITIVE, GENTLE DAY

I'M GOING TO ACCOMPLISH THINGS

IN A VERY LOVING, VERY GIVING,VERY CHRISTIC WAY.

EVEN THOUGH THERE ISA HOLE IN THE OZONE

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S WHOPPER BAGSEVERYWHERE, I'LL GO ON.

YOU SAY,"I'LL MAKE SOME MALT-O-MEAL.

"WHAT A LOVING, GENTLE,COMFORTING THING TO DO--

HAVE SOME MALT-O-MEAL."

YOU OPEN UP THE REFRIGERATORAND THEN IT BEGINS.

THE MILK IS TOTALLYFROM ANOTHER MONTH, OKAY?

JUST TOTALLY BAD MILK.

IT'S SO BAD IT HAS RELATIVESNAMED YOPLAIT, OKAY?

SO YOU JUST DECIDE,"OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?"

THERE'S NOTHINGIN THE REFRIGERATOR.

THERE'S A HEINEKEN.

SO YOU GO,"WELL, THIS HAS MALT IN IT."

ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE DRUNK.

IT'S IN THE MORNING ANDYOU'RE FILLED WITH SELF-HATE.

OKAY, YOU'RE FILLED WITH ANGER.

YOU GO, "OH, MY GOD,I'M TOTALLY DRUNK."

IT'S 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

THIS IS THE CRUCIAL MOMENT.

DO NOT HATE YOURSELF.

THIS IS THE TIMETHAT YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO.

JUST BREATHE OUT.

DO NOT BECOME ANGRY.

THIS FRIEND OF MINE,HE'S TOTALLY ANGRY.

HE'S 40 YEARS OLD

AND HE'S ENRAGED WITH VITRIOLICHATE TOWARD EVERYTHING.

HE IS STILL BITTERTHAT THE BEATLES BROKE UP.

HE'S TOTALLY ANGRYTHAT THE BEATLES BROKE UP.

DON'T GET HIM STARTED ON YOKO,BECAUSE HE WILL GO BALLISTIC.

I MEAN, I'M SERIOUS.

HE WILL TOTALLY...

THEN THERE'S THIS GIRL I KNOW,SHE'S TOTALLY ANGRY, TOO

IN THIS KIND OF SERBO-EURO-ETHNIC-PAN-ASIAN KIND OF WAY.

VERY BLACK, SHE NEVER SMILES

AND SHE'S VERY ANGRY AND BITTERTHAT WHAM! BROKE UP, YOU KNOW

SO I PUT HER TOGETHER

WITH MY FRIEND WHO CAN'TBELIEVE THE BEATLES BROKE UP

AND THEY GOT TOGETHER

AND NOW THEY'RE PETITIONINGJOHN MELLENCAMP

TO PUT THE COUGAR BACK.

( laughter )